Whenever I Close My Eyes
by theonlyxception
Summary: Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw those life-changing events in Iran I swore I would never forget again. If anything, it would live with me until my death. I had convinced the President of the United States to let me fly there, in hopes of stopping a coup that two high-level state officials had initiated.
1. Coup d'état

Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw those life-changing events in Iran I swore I would never forget again. If anything, it would live with me until my death. I had convinced the President of the United States to let me fly there, in hopes of stopping a coup that two high-level state officials had initiated.

Henry had tried to stop me from going by using what he liked to call the husband card. I had persuaded him that if the coup moved forward and took out the current government, Iran would be a failed state. He charged back at me how many radicals there were that would love to kill me I reassured him it was a secret mission and they wouldn't even know I was there because of the risk we needed to let Iran know we had nothing to do with the coup. He wasn't too pleased with me for that one, especially when I reassured him that everything was going to be okay. I could feel he wasn't okay with this.

Even though I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that in some way I wasn't going to be, I pushed that thought to the back of my mind before pressing that he should wait a year and get remarried if anything should happen to me. The worry was real. My job was and always would be some kind of liability to my family, for however long I was in it. Why not cover all your bases while you can?

In light of going on this trip, I also had to break it to Allison why I wouldn't be there for her sweet sixteen. It broke my heart that I wouldn't be seeing my daughter on her biggest day. Instead, I would be halfway around the world doing what I could to stop a coup.

When I arrived at Javani's home in Iran. I felt safe and knew that I was among friends the minute I walked into his home. I was immediately introduced to his wife Marajel, an architect for the Zarand commercial tower located in downtown Tehran. She was amazingly beautiful and understanding for letting me come secretly.

Then came their two boys, Abdol and Katan. They were sweet and had a good sense of humor joking about American culture. I'm not sure their mother found it very funny, but I sure did. It lightened the mood to the pressing reason I had made this visit in the first place.

We talked for a good half an hour before Javani excused himself to talk to President Shiraz and I called home to wish Allison a happy birthday and made some lame joke to Henry about him modeling the apron au naturel when I got home.

Even that seemed like nothing when a bomb blasted through Javani's home, followed by ricocheting bullets. I watched in terror as my bodyguard Frank scrambled through the wreckage, only to be hit and land on top of me as he was instantly killed. If that weren't enough, I watched as another bullet struck Javani in the back as he tried to reach his eldest son, who only minutes before came into the room to ask his father for help on an algebra problem.

Hs screams for his father were utterly terrifying and heartbreaking as I reiterated his father's words to stay down as he ducked down by the side of the couch. Being a mother, I broke down in tears knowing if those were my kids, I would have done anything to crawl across that room to protect them. Truth was, I couldn't do that now. All I could focus on was how traumatized he was going to be. How Frank had saved my life when really he didn't have to. Even the talk with Henry came to mind when I wondered if one of those bullets would strike me down too. Would I get to see my own family again?

I wasn't sure how long after the bullets stopped flying, I was able to finally push Frank all the way off me. My movements were slow as I used whatever I could to push away the glass and debris, so I could get on my hands and knees. After several minutes, I was able to start making a path to Abdol, who was now slumped against the far wall of the living room, knees drawn to his chest as he rocked back and forth.

"Abdol!" I tried yelling across the room as I pushed the damaged coffee table out of the way, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was in shock and awfully close to a rapidly growing fire just a few feet away from him. It was clear we needed to get out of here and soon before we found ourselves stuck in a fiery inferno. "Abdol...If there's any chance of you listening to me, I need you to listen to me now. There's a fire to the left of us. It's creating thick smoke which is making it hard to breathe. If we don't get out of here right now, we won't make it out."

Raising his head a few feet from his knees, he kept his eyes averted from mine. It was the first sign he had heard me as I continued to push through the rubble to get to him. After a few more pushes, I struggled to take in a breath as I sat next to him against the wall, out of breath and exhausted. "I was young too when I lost both of my parents, but you have a mother and brother who still love you very much."

Glancing up, I didn't expect to see Marajel and Katan actually standing there. She was holding onto Katan tightly, facing him the other direction from the body of his father and my bodyguard, Frank. It was unclear if he had seen his father lying there, but I knew by the heartwrenching look she knew her husband was dead. I knew I was to blame. I couldn't help feeling if I hadn't come-if I had just warned him some other way, or even sooner than I had, maybe both he and Frank would still be alive.

"Abdol. Come, we must go." Marajel stated firmly as she motioned for her son to get up off the floor. Then she gazed up at me as only a mother could, her tone urgent and to be obeyed. "We all must."

Like clockwork, he got up and crossed the room and she hugged both Abdol and Katan to her tightly. I could only watch them from the floor, wishing that were me hugging my kids. There were many times I would like to admit they irritated and drove me up the wall. However times like this, my arms ached to hold them until they couldn't stand to be held any longer.

"Elizabeth." Her voice was more softspoken this time, her hand outstretched the same way she had coaxed her son. "Come. We will find somewhere safe and get you back home." I nodded my appreciation, but somehow I doubted that it was enough after everything that had just happened. I wouldn't be surprised if her generosity wasn't a front so she never had to see me again. I wasn't so sure I wanted to see me right now. As soon as I had deciphered it to be crazy talk, I moved to my knees once again. As I shifted my weight to use the wall for leverage, a searing pain radiated through my back. It disappeared as quickly as it had come, so I didn't think much about it.

After maneuvering myself upright, we all silently moved to the back of the house. I figured with us all feeling emotionally gutted at our losses, we wouldn't have to talk about what happened back there. I hoped I wouldn't have to talk about any of it. I couldn't even make sense of things, other than I had failed to stop a well-planned mission.


	2. Numb

"I couldn't help noticing you are injured, Elizabeth." She stated in a low voice, probably so her boys wouldn't pick up on our conversation. I doubted they were listening. Heck, I was barely able to comprehend anything happening right now, including this conversation. It took all my focus just to respond to her.

"My arm will survive." I formulated numbly as we walked toward a grove of trees, not even bothering to look at my arm. Even in the growing darkness, it was unclear how badly I was injured. Part of my training in the CIA was learning that adrenaline had a way of masking injuries. Frankly, I didn't seem to care right now. All I knew was I was the lone survivor of being next to a bomb that killed two other people.

"I wasn't just talking about your arm, Elizabeth. You're limping more significantly than before."

"I'm okay, thank you." I touched her arm in appreciation, then let my own fall back to my side. "Let's just focus getting somewhere safe. Where are we going exactly?" My head was spinning now, either because all the information was going out one ear and out the other. I couldn't seem to focus on anything.

"I have a friend we can stay with. Her house is just through these trees." As we brushed through branches, they scraped at our arms and legs as we made our way through the darkness. When we were halfway through, we saw bright flashes of light, coming from the back and to the side of us.

My first initial response was fear. Had they come back for us? Were they here to finish off the job they had come to do in the first place? That was soon replaced as a man in uniform shone his light towards me and introduced himself. "Secretary Mccord, I am Sergeant Benton Walsh part of a recon team here in Iran. I have been sent by the President of the United States to transport you and any survivors to a safe location." He disclosed, pinching the bottom of his badge so I could get a good look at it. Never could be too safe.

"Safe word?"

"Trustfall, Ma'am." Sergeant Benton said without missing a beat. "If you would all follow me to the convoy. We don't have much time." Making sure Marajel, Abdol and Katan walked ahead of me, we all walked back through the trees. The fire in the house had been put out and I assumed Frank and Javani's bodies had been loaded into one of the convoys. My heart sunk knowing we had just left them. If it had been Henry, I would have bugged someone until the cows came home to make sure he was with me.

"Go ahead," I told Abdol, feeling his hesitance as we stopped at the convoy. Marajel pressed a kiss to his head, nodding her own trust as he reluctantly hopped into the seat by the window. She went next, hopping in next to him. Katan looked as if he were going to hop in next to her, but instead, he followed me to the back.

"Help, please." He tugged at the sleeve of my shirt for help putting on his seatbelt, which I gladly obliged.

Anything that distracted me right now was a good thing, He hummed happily, then slid closer to me as another soldier got into the convoy. I wrapped my arm around him in comfort and he leaned his head against my shoulder as we started to move.

It was a fairly dark night, so I mostly stared into oblivion and let my thoughts swirl around me. But every once in a while, we would pass a dim light and I would peer down to see what he was doing. Was he sleeping? Confused? Staring into oblivion like I was? He was too young to go through something like this; to not feel safe in his own home. To lose his father at such a young age.

It was too much to think about as I turned back toward the window to keep myself from sobbing. Katan must have noticed because, without much effort, he wrapped his hand in mine. I couldn't keep my composure any longer as I squeezed his hand tightly, a few tears running down my cheeks.

Even after all he had lost—hardly knowing me at all—he was showing more love than I felt like I deserved right now. I wanted to tell him I was sorry but I couldn't seem to find the right words he could understand, so instead, I mustered smiles with the few looks he gave me.

When we finally made it to the safe location, which was an underground base, he was very hesitant and kept his hand in mine as we left the convoy. Marajel and Abdol were already waiting by the car as we got out. I could tell we were all emotionally exhausted, but I also knew none of us would be sleeping any time soon.

"I seemed to find a friend on the way over here." I squeezed Katan's hand as Sergeant Benson motioned for us to follow him.

"So you have." Marajel nodded with a weary smile. "He is a very thoughtful child. Just like his-"

"I know." I gestured silently that she didn't need to say anything further as we walked down a dimly lit hall before entering a much larger room where I immediately spotted an Iranian guard barking commands. It all made sense that the coup was targeted at not only Javani but other government officials as well. "Katan, I want to thank you for helping me on the ride over. I have a few people I need to talk to, so why don't you go with your mom and brother and get something to eat over at that table over there."

That seemed to do the trick as Katan urged his brother over to the table. Marajel started to follow but stopped in her tracks as she called over her shoulder, "Elizabeth. What happened back there was not your fault. Zahed knew the risks he was taking when he took this job. And I thank you for trying to keep the peace with our country." Just like I had done earlier, she placed a hand on my shoulder and let it drop to her side as she grabbed a plate at the table and began filling it up.

"Secretary Mccord. I guess we have you to thank for the information about the coup." An Iranian guard called to me, and I was quickly shaken from my thoughts for what a brave woman Marajel really was. I just hoped that same strength would carry her in the coming months and years. "I have been informed that you were with Zahed and his family when the bomb went off."

"I was, yes. We were just finishing our conversation when it went off, followed by rapid gunshots that also killed my DS agent, Frank Cole. My other detail John Kendall is still missing in action."

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. We can put out a word out to see if they brought him in, but you must also know there were many government leaders who were attacked tonight."

"Understood. Any casualties?"

"No deaths. Many gunshot wounds or bomb-related injuries." He mentioned as he was urgently motioned to come over by another soldier who was working at a small table."I'm sorry, but I must get back to work."


	3. Rock the Boat

While waiting for him to be free again from whatever he was doing, I paused after finding Marajel, Abdol, and Katan all sleeping on the couch beside each other. It took me a few minutes to hunt down a blanket and carefully draped it over them.

By this time, he was finishing up what he was doing and I decided to take another crack at him to get some kind of information on what was happening, or when I could get ahold of my own family and government. I could only imagine if the news had spread, how worried Henry would be. No matter how much I tried to protect the kids from what went on with my job, it was growing increasingly hard to keep them away from it too, which probably made them even more worried than Henry was. Not to mention my team and the President of the United States, who would undoubtedly be worried as well.

"Excuse me."

"Elizabeth." He walked quickly through the room as I struggled to keep up with him. By this point, my adrenaline was starting the wear off and I was hurting more than I wanted to admit. "I hope you are settling in well while we're figuring things out."

"Yeah, about that. I need to get ahold of my government." I stated blatantly, feeling myself getting a little irritated at the lack of help I was getting at the moment.

"I'm sorry, but with communications down, there is nothing I can do right now for you."

"Can you at least ask if maybe there's a landline telephone that I can use? I have to get in touch with my government."

"I assure you there is nothing.

"That's not possible," I admitted, panicking a little knowing there had to be some way, other than stonewalling me. I had to get my point across that it was urgent that I get ahold of someone to let them know I was alright. "Your intelligence services have to be communicating with the outside world."

"Not from here."

"Then maybe…" I stepped closer to him, feeling myself getting emotional, mostly in frustration at the situation at hand. "If it changes, you get me like an email or text, something."

"You're bleeding." He pointed out urgently as I began to walk away. Now he felt like the situation was urgent?

"It's nothing." I looked at my arm that had been burned a little from the blast. At the time, I didn't feel like it was that bad, but what did he mean by bleeding?

"I will get you a medical officer." He mentioned, just as an explosion hit and knocked the power out momentarily. Another twinge of pain had me reaching where the discomfort was coming from, only to see my fingers laced with blood as the lights flickered back on.

He disappeared out of the room to get me help, while I headed into another hall where the bathroom was located. Everything was suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks as I locked the door behind me. Javani was dead. Marajel was a widow. Abdol and Katan no longer had a father. I had failed to stop the coup. I was stuck in Iran in an underground compound without any way to reach my husband, kids, my team, or the president.

I struggled to take in a deep breath as I leaned against the wall in order to steady myself. I was doing my best to keep myself calm, but I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I wanted to curl up next to Henry. I wanted to hear my kids laugh. I wanted my staff to annoy the heck out of me with questions and thoughts.

With all that swirling around in my mind, I felt my stomach lurch forward as I emptied to contents of my stomach into the toilet. As I was wiping my mouth with a piece of toilet paper and picking myself up off the floor, I heard growing voices in the hall and then a knock at the door. At first, I figured it was someone needing to use the bathroom as this was probably the only one but then a muffled voice came through the door.

"Secretary Mccord?"

"Yeah. Who's asking?"

"My name is Abilene Harandi. I am the medical officer to President Shiraz. It was mentioned you were injured and may need medical attention."

"Give me a minute." Blowing out a deep breath, I glanced into the mirror momentarily before washing my hands. The dim light made me look ever so pale and worn.I just hoped I really didn't look that way and my eyes were playing a trick on me. Deciding I couldn't stay in here forever, I splashed my face with water and dried it with a paper towel.

I took in a deep breath before unlocking the door and stood in front of Abilene, a woman probably in her mid-thirties with Persian features, kind blue eyes and stood just a few inches shorter than me. She silently looked me over and I swore she could tell I had just come from hell and back without saying a word.

"Come. Let's get you checked out." Was all she told me as we walked to a room at the end of the hall. The room was had a few medical posters plastered to the walls; an exam room centered in the middle of the room and some medical equipment placed in carts or drawers near the back wall.

I entered the exam room rather slowly. At home, I was used to toughing out whatever I was ailed with. Here, I didn't feel like I had much of a choice when I had a glaring red spot on the back of my blue dress shirt.

"What is the term you always use in America when you want someone to know you're friendly? I promise I don't bite?" I cracked a smile on that one as I closed the door behind me.

"That's a term I should use a little more often in my job and my life."

"Do you find people running away from you?" She snapped on some gloves as she patted the exam table gently for me to sit down.

"Mostly my children." I reluctantly pushed myself up on the table, the paper rustling underneath me as I adjusted. It was not the most comfortable to sit on when your lower back is injured. I did have to hand it to her, she was good at keeping the conversation light.

"Ah. So you're a mother."

"To three independent, strong children." She lifted my shirt up carefully and pressed around it. I flinched slightly at the more tender areas she hit, finally starting to feel the extent of the pain radiating in my lower back.

"How old are they?"

"Thirteen, sixteen and eighteen."

"So basically you have a house full of teenagers." She teased as she grabbed for the tweezers located in the middle drawer of the medical cart. "I'm afraid you have some glass stuck in the wound that I'm going to have to get out before I can clean and stitch your wound."

"That deep, huh?"

"You have a fairly deep wound, yes. Do you have allergies to any medications?"

"Not to my knowledge, no."

"Since we don't have your records on hand, what about your vaccinations?"

"Up to date. Kind of a requirement of the job."

"Perfect." She drew up the medicine before flicking out the air bubbles and set the needle back on the tray. "So this is how it's going to go. I'm going to have you lift up your shirt while I numb and clean out the glass from your wound. When I'm finished, I'll have you lay down in a more comfortable position and stitch you up. I would also like to wrap that arm and treat your burn."

"Sounds good to me."

"How are you feeling otherwise?" She inquired out of the blue as I lifted my shirt up so she could get started. I tried to take in a deep breath as I braced myself for her to stick me.

Thankfully she didn't have to poke me too many times. "President Shiraz mentioned you were with Zahed Javani when the bomb went off."

"I was." I nodded numbly as I felt my stomach twist in knots at the prospect of talking about what happened. In my heart, I knew she was just doing her job, but Zahed's death wasn't something I could discuss right now. So my next response came out a little flatter than I wanted it to."And I'm fine, thank you."


	4. Overthinking

*Please note my mistake of addressing President Shiraz as the Iranian guard in the last chapter. I realized upon writing this chapter that President Shiraz did not meet with Elizabeth until later in the episode "Tamerlane"

* * *

She didn't press any further as she took the glass out. It made a little ping noise each time it hit the metal pan. Each time it did, I had to take in a deep breath. I wondered if the bomb had made some kind of similar noise before it had gone off and we missed it.

I thought back to my training again but couldn't recall anything useful. My mind felt a little clearer, yet so jumbled as I laid on my side and she sat behind me stitching me up. I was grateful she was enveloped in her work so I could have my thoughts to myself. Although something in the back of my mind told me that probably wasn't a good thing. Give yourself too much time and you begin overthinking every single thing in your life. Even things you hadn't thought about in years.

Like my parents. I found myself in these times when I was without my family when I was wounded and felt overwhelmed, that I could somehow talk to my mom again. It had been so many years since I had heard her voice and I wanted her to tell me everything would be okay. You'd think a grown woman would be able to do things on her own. The thing was if I didn't have Henry next to me, I thought about her.

"You can sit up now." Abilene snapped off her gloves, which brought me partially out of my thoughts. "A dressing has been placed over your stitches and I've placed a topical over your burn. You can leave your dressings on today, as long as they stay dry. However, you should be changing them at least every four hours to prevent infection."

"Every four to five hours. Got it." Making a mental note, I carefully sat up, swaying slightly at being upright. At least that's what I hoped it was. If it was something else, I didn't know if I could handle another thing going wrong at this time. "When do I need to get the stitches out?"

"If you continue to heal well, I would say in a week or two. I expect you to visit your primary physician when you make it home just to make sure everything is still going well." Pushing the stool back from the exam table, she quickly washed her hands in the sink and dried them off with a paper towel.. "I know you are a busy person, Secretary Mccord. I know you are eager to get back to your work and undoubtedly your family, but don't forget to take care of yourself."

I didn't respond verbally, suddenly feeling drained from everything that had happened lately. She crossed the room, pulling open a bigger cabinet and handed me a bag full of supplies she had put together and an olive-colored blanket.

"I'll check up on you in a few hours." She shot me a comforting smile before leaving the room and I heaved in a big sigh as soon as I was alone It took me a few minutes as I mustered the strength to walk back down the hall, but it felt like I was walking in slow motion. It was an odd sensation to have but with all my thoughts swirling around me, it was hard to concentrate on reality.

People were injured, displaced, marked with ash and soot. Here I was eager to go home when to many, this was their home. Iran was their reality. Oh, my head hurt just thinking about it that I had to sit down.

"Excuse me, Secretary Mccord.' Someone spoke up with a familiar voice as I continued to rub at my temples. When I opened my eyes, I saw President Shiraz standing there in front of me and I stood up to greet him.

"President Shiraz." I was more than relieved to see him. It was a little more comforting knowing there was another familiar face in this place. "I'm glad you're okay."

"I can say the same to you." He replied gently, motioning for me to take my seat and then pulled up another chair in front of me.

"Should I assume since you're here that the coup has failed?" I asked hopefully. Oh, I needed one good thing to come out of all of this. Those who died deserved to have justice for their bravery.

"Yes." He reassured me in his own way as he took his seat. "In part because of the information your government provided. If you hadn't come, we might have assumed the United States backed it."

"Minister Javani is dead " I struggled to find the words, still heavy in my own grief. I still couldn't believe it, even though I had thought about and said those words out loud many times in the past several hours.

"Yes." This times his words took on a dark tone. I was sure in some way, he too was grieving the fact someone could do such a thing to his country and to his people. "A tragic loss. Zahed was my friend. And partner."

By this point, I felt overwhelmed with emotions as he described the man I felt like had been a friend to me as well. Zahed never had to stop me in Turkey, but he did. He had given us valuable information after putting the thumb drive of Samilia Madhavi's laptop in my hand, which in return made me realize we had a good ally working with us.

"Mine, too." I returned, swallowing down some of the emotions I felt. I felt like desperately sobbing at everything I felt, and I would eventually do just that, but not until I was alone. "I'm sorry."

"He respected you." He revealed, which blew me away. If only there was more of that in the world where we respected each other, no matter where we were from. "I'm speaking on behalf of President Dalton when I say that I hope that our peace talks will move forward."

"I share this hope. But now, I fear there will be too many bodies to bury." I closed my eyes, trying to take in a few deep breaths knowing we may not be able to salvage our relationship from this point on. "I should get back and see what I can do. Please excuse me."


	5. Calming the Masses

Sinking down in the chair, I laid my head back against the back of it and closed my eyes. I hoped at some point, some part of this would be salvaged. It just wouldn't be now.

"Secretary Mccord."

"Hmm...yes.." I felt slightly displeased with being awoken as I felt myself beyond exhausted at this point. It was the Iranian guard, along with another man standing in front of me holding a satellite phone.

"You have five minutes to do what you need to do." The guard showed me how to use the phone and handed it over to me to dial home. Despite wanting to call Henry most of all, I knew where my priorities stood. I had to let the president know first that I was okay. They would in turn tell my team, who would then tell Henry.

I didn't always agree to the process of things, especially scary emotional times like this. I wanted nothing but to hear his voice; to hear the voices of our children. I knew if I did though, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying and I had a long flight to make it through before I was back home. To think they could have lost me was increasingly more terrifying than the minute before.

"Russell Jackson." He answered on the second ring, his voice tense with worry and it made me hesitate momentarily before responding to the sound of his voice.

"Russell, it's Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth." He sighed heavily as he said my name. "We've all been wondering about you over here."

"I'm fine, Russell. I had a few injuries but nothing I can't live with."

"Injuries. You know I'm going to need more than that to calm the masses." The masses being the president, my team and family. I would have laughed at him but I was far past humor at this point.

"Burn to my arm and cut on my back. Please tell my team and family I'm okay." I stated as I saw DS agent John Kendall walk into the room. Someone who knew who I was pointed him in my direction and my heart leapt with joy seeing he was okay too.

"I will pass the message along."

"Russell, I have to go." Handing the guard back the phone, I gave him a small nod of appreciation and walked across the room.

"Agent Kendall." I looked him over. He seemed to be in relatively good spirits. However, he was favoring one leg more than the other, and I knew he hadn't been unscathed from this disaster. "Let's get you some help." I scanned the room just as Abilene was doing the same. She narrowed in on me and I waved her over.

"It's good to see you're okay." He limped over to the chair President Shiraz had been sitting in earlier and leaned heavily against it.

"You too." I gestured by raising my gaze to his injured leg."Want to fill me in on the quick version of what happened?"

"After the bomb went off, I tried going after those who attacked their home. I was forced to seek shelter in an abandoned home nearby after taking a bullet to the leg. By the time I got back to Javani's house, you, Marajel and the boys were gone. The house was on fire and Fred and Javani dead."

"Yeah." My throat suddenly felt dry at the mention of those who had died tonight. I couldn't imagine how many more times I had to talk about this. Luckily we didn't have to much longer as Abilene broke away from conversing with President Shiraz. .

"Secretary Mccord, how are you feeling?"

"I'm still hanging in there." I moved my body slowly towards John. "Abilene, this is John Kendall. He's one of my agents who accompanied me to Iran."

"It's nice to meet you, John." Extending her hand, he shook hers firmly back.

"John took a bullet to the leg. Do you have a minute to look at him?" I asked her politely, although I felt my patience wearing thin.

"Sure. I have a few minutes. If you'd follow me, I'll see what we can do here." John consented before using the chair again to hoist himself up and slowly behind her out of the room. If I couldn't save Fred, I would do what I could to save John. He was not going to be flying home thirteen hours with a bullet stuck in his leg.

"Secretary Mccord. If you'll follow me, we have a flight back to D.C. waiting for you." President Shiraz mentioned out of the blue as he moved to stand in front of me.

"I just sent my agent in to be checked out. Can it wait until he's done?"

"I'm afraid not. We have limited flights back to the states at the moment. Getting you home is the best thing we can do after all you've done for us. We will try and get your agents back on the next flight home."

"Well, I feel like I could have done more." He surprised me by walking down the hall with me, even going as far as opening the door of a black SUV as I stepped into the car.

"We all do." President Shiraz nodded to two soldiers who got in the front seat. "You have warned us and we thank you for risking to come here. We will be in touch." With that, the door was closed and we took off. The soldiers accompanied me, sitting with me until my the plane was ready to take off. Thankfully I had packed my belongings before I had gone over, so it was a quick move to the hotel to grab my suitcase and check out before heading over.

As we sat there, I couldn't help but pray nothing else went wrong, like an electrical malfunction while 30,000 feet in the air as I gave my weary thanks and finally dragged myself onto the plane.

I managed to sleep a whole two hours during the flight. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived the whole event. Zahed's smile haunted me most of all. I had really thought everything was going to be okay after warning him and President Shiraz about the coup.

It was really happening though. I was going home. I wanted to feel even more relieved that I was still standing, that I was going home to my family. Truth was, I wasn't. If anything, I should have been more injured alongside them. I was in the same room and I had gotten away with just a burn and cut.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Captain Nelson speaking. We are thirty minutes away from landing at Dulles International Airport..."


	6. Home at Last

As we finally neared closer to the house, all my thoughts transitioned from loud to silent in the space of a few minutes. Remember how I wanted nothing other than to have Henry and our kids in my arms? I did. I promise I wanted them in my arms still. However, I wasn't mentally prepared for all the questions they would be asking me when all I felt like was crawling into bed and sleeping for a week.

That's how tired I felt. Sure, I had been beaten down before, but nothing like this. It had been easier to live on a ranch with my family. Although I had my doubts if I could settle down to take care of livestock and be a stay-at-home-mom to three kids, I had embraced it nonetheless. If I had never admitted it before, it had been glorious and sometimes I found myself mourning that part of my life.

My kids were growing up right before my eyes, now that I was working. Okay, they had always been aging at rapid speeds. It just felt different though now I was working again. Even though I tried to make it to everyone's extracurricular events, I always felt like I fell short in that department with a demanding schedule being the Secretary of State.

"Ma'am." The driver called to me softly. He was an older gentleman with soft, dark brown eyes and thick eyebrows. He had that slightly wrinkled face that had me almost thinking I was looking into the eyes of my Grandpa Joseph. "We're here."

"Right." I cleared my throat, stepping onto the concrete sidewalk for the first time in a few days, although it felt more like weeks the way things had been going. Just beyond those doors was the man who would eventually find some way to make me feel whole again. It was the reason I had married him. He was the other half that kept me grounded when everything was going so wrong. Today was one of those times.

The driver took out my suitcase. I took it absently, thanking him as he waited until I went in. It took several tries before I could actually walk in that door. I didn't have to say anything to know I had scared Henry deeply, and for that, I was truly sorry. The way he held me in his arms, made me feel like never stepping out of them. Yet, he still selflessly stepped back as our children clamored to meet me, silently promising me we would talk about things later.

"Mom!" Alli reached me first as she wrapped her arms around my neck. Stevie did the same and I felt myself relax a little as I reached my hands up to hold them tightly in my arms. As a mother, I relished in the times where they were happy to see me. If anything, this job taught me to appreciate them more because I knew I could lose them at any given time.

"Hi, Noodle. Am I ever glad to see you."

"Hi. I missed you." Stevie came next as she enveloped us both in a bear hug; something I didn't get very much from her now that she was older. That was the amazing thing about being a mother. One minute you were doing everything for them because they can't help themselves. The next, they don't need you and some wouldn't be caught dead showing their mother affection. But when something big happens, they're all over you and smothering you with kisses Somewhere inside, you wonder if they felt some level of fear to how close they were to losing you.

"I missed you too."

Jason came last, fighting his sisters to get into my arms. He had never been one to show much emotion, especially to me. Yet, when he scrambled down those stairs at record speed and gave me an overly eager one-armed hug, I finally knew he was more than happy to see me.

"Mom. You're okay." How do you respond to something like that? I looked up at Henry with a confused glance as I wordlessly asked him if our kids knew where I had been and what I had dealt with in the past couple days.

"Later." Was all he whispered back as he kept his hand on the small of my back. Although I had been vague in my decision to tell him about the extent of my injury, I knew that was also something we could discuss at another time. I had promised Abilene I would change my dressings often, but it wasn't always the easiest, being my injury was on my back. Eventually, I would have to clue Henry on it being more than the cut I had eluded to over the phone.

"You hungry? We still have some leftover pizza from last night." Alli questioned as I kicked off my shoes, then realized I couldn't bend down to grab them without being in too much pain. So instead, I kicked them to the side.

"Starving. I'll grab them later." I waved off my action of kicking them to the wall and padded into the kitchen. Ali went ahead of me to grab the container of pizza and Stevie handed me a plate from the cabinet so I could dish myself up a piece of pepperoni pizza. Even though I wasn't in a lot of pain right now, I was still feeling slightly nauseous. I mostly pegged that up to being stuck in my grief and not eating much since leaving Iran. "Tell me what's been going on while I've been gone."

"I aced my history quiz." Alli piped up as I leaned my elbows against the counter and bit a small piece from my pizza. It took me a second for her words to register as I swallowed the pizza and I realized I had neglected to heat it up in the first place.

"That's wonderful, Noodle. I'm so proud of you." She smiled radiantly, although, for a split second by the peculiar look on Henry's face as he looked at Ali, I knew I had missed a lot while gone. I couldn't wait to ask him with the growing pile of "laters" we needed to talk about.

"Anyone have anything to add to that?"

"I didn't punch anyone." Jason joked, pulling a chair out from the table. He rested his arms on the back of the chair and his chin rested on top of all of it. "Or get kicked out from school." I laughed out loud in response as I dropped my pizza back on the plate.

"I'm glad none of that was repeated while I was gone."

"We can only hope you learned something from that one," Henry stated seriously, as he pulled out the pitcher of water from the fridge. He poured me a glass without even asking. Oh, I loved him for always knowing what I needed when I needed it.

"Trust me, it's not something I will be repeating." He held up his hands before standing and pushing his seat in.

"Good."

"What? It's true." He stated, taking glares from Ali as she took an apple from the basket and chewed on it slowly. Oh, it was good to feel some normalcy, even if it meant listening to my kids bicker back and forth.

"You're not the one who has to deal with her brother being expelled from school." Ali rolled her eyes, taking a bigger bite of her apple. "People still talk about you to this day, even when I don't want to hear it."

"Stevie?"

"Hmm…" She tore her gaze from the conversation between Ali and Jason. "Oh. Work is still going well. We had a couple of busy days but we got through it with just one broken dish."

"Just one, huh?"

"Yeah." Looking down at her watch, she hopped up from her place on the other side of the counter. "Speaking of work, I should get ready. My shift starts in about twenty minutes." Rounding the corner, she gave me a quick side hug before disappearing around the corner.

"Would you imagine that all it took was going out of the country to get hugs from my children."

"They just missed you, that's all." His lips held a small smirk as we watched Jason fleeing towards the stairs, Alli right behind him as they continued their conversation.

"Uh huh." I had my doubts about what he wasn't saying. On the other hand, since we were alone, now I could ask a few questions that had been floating around before I went upstairs. "How much do they know and what do they know about where I've been?"

"Stevie figured it out and insisted I tell Alli because you know: she's sixteen now." He rubbed his hands up and down my arms before wrapping his own around me. "You should have seen the look on Alli's face when she just knew I had heard something about you, and even more so when Stevie spilled the beans to where you really were." I sighed heavily, knowing I was going to have to relinquish some of that power over to telling both my daughters were I was headed every time I left home. "The summary of the story is we have some really smart girls."

"Mmm…"

"What about our son? What does he know about all this?"

"Absolutely nothing. Although I have a growing suspicion he will start figuring things out soon. Until then, we'll let him stay innocent a little longer."

"Innocent? Really?" My eyebrows shot up in surprise at his choice of words. Weren't we just talking about our son being suspended from school just a few minutes ago? In fact, I could still hear Jason and Alli arguing that same subject upstairs.

"Okay, so his innocence can definitely be debated. Until then, I can live with him not knowing where you're going."


	7. Risk

After our conversation had come to a standstill, I excused myself to go upstairs and get cleaned up. By this point, I was hurting badly and I felt like a shower would help. So I slipped out of my clothes and peeled away the dressings from my arm and back before stepping into the stream of warm water. I kept it aimed more at the front of my body, only turning to lather and rinse my hair and body. When I was satisfied, I turned the water off and wrapped the towel around me.

As I stepped out onto the tile floor, I realized my suitcase was still sitting downstairs, unless Henry had brought it up. I needed the bag of supplies Abilene had sent me home with if I was going to keep my wounds dry. Maybe I could sneak down there and grab the bag out of my suitcase. I could at least try to change my own dressings and if I couldn't, then I would relent and have Henry help me. I didn't want him to worry even more than he was.

Grabbing my light blue robe hanging up in the closet, I hadn't even taken five steps to the door before I felt pain running up and down my back. It took all effort for me to walk back to my bed before deciding sleep wouldn't be such a bad thing right now. My hair could dry naturally for all I cared and dressing my wounds could wait. Wavering as I pulled back the covers, I was risking either falling over from complete exhaustion or falling asleep standing up. Neither one sounded comfortable to me. So before one or the other scenario could happen, I slipped underneath the covers and closed my eyes.

I had to admit that I had been so tired, I didn't remember anything I had been dreaming about. It was a relief knowing I wouldn't have nightmares this time around. Still, it took a few minutes to adjust to my surroundings and realize I was laying in my own bed. I was safe. I was with Henry and our children. I was also unable to move. I knew that from the small adjustments I tried to make as I strained to look at the clock sitting on the dresser next to my side of the bed. The red numbers blurred and it took me several minutes to make out the fact it was nearly six o'clock in the evening.I had slept for the past four hours, which meant the Excedrin I had taken on the plane had long worn off.

Trying to sit up, my body refused to obey my actions. Every time I tried to move, I was met with a tidal wave of pain threatening to wash over me and make me drown. In all my years as a wife and mother, I always trudged through the really hard things in my life, but this, this was something new on such a deeper level.

"Babe, you up?" Henry called softly through the dark, making me nearly jump out of my skin as he stood at the door. How long had he been standing there? I wasn't sure what he was thinking at this moment, but he might if I looked like what I felt inside. Of course, Henry knew me too well. He could read me like a book.

"Yeah. Mind turning on the light? I need to get up anyway." I rubbed at my eyes as the room flooded with light. When I looked up, he was holding a steaming cup of what I guessed was tea for the lack of smell.

"Hi." He offered me a small smile in greeting as he placed the mug on the nightstand. "How are you feeling?"

"Excuse my pun when I say I feel like I've been hit by a truck." Pressing my hand to forehead slowly, I just wanted the pain to stop. It wasn't quite unbearable, and I felt like I was dangerously close to really throwing up.

"This should help." He gestured to the steaming mug sitting beside me. There was a faint smell of peppermint and lemon wafting through my senses and I had to admit, it did smell good. I just couldn't get up by myself and I was too stubborn to ask for his help. I obviously didn't want to puke out my guts either."Thought the peppermint would help your stomach. I couldn't help but notice you only ate half your pizza when you came home."

"Unfortunately, it could be a lot of things why my stomach is bothering me. For one, being on an airplane is not fun when you're injured."

"How injured are we talking about here?" His expression grew serious and I knew I had to come clean to him. "Because a cut like you eluded to would not cause you that much pain."

"You're right. It's pretty bad."

"How bad?" He tried again, keeping my gaze on him. I knew I irritated him sometimes by not always being truthful. I did it because I loved him and knew how much he worried. I guess in some way I was trying to protect him like he protected me.

"Bad enough for stitches." I watched his face transition from worry to sadness in a matter of seconds. Oh, how I wished I could tell him absolutely everything. Yet, the other part of me didn't think he would like what he saw. The imagery was something I couldn't describe. Like the way the smoky air choked at my throat again and again, even though I was no longer there.

"Stitches." His expression slackened as he mulled the word over. I could see the wheels turning in his mind as his eyes flickered up to mine then darted away again. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"At some point, yes." I sighed, successfully sitting up slightly against the pillow. I cautiously wrapped my hand around the handle of the mug and held tightly as another pain raced through my back. "Let's face it, I can hardly move. Some may say I was walking like an old woman." He smirked, although the humor didn't quite match how he was feeling.

"What do you need?" He asked as I quietly blew on my tea. His tone was sincere, almost eager to what he could do to take away my pain. "And don't say nothing."

"I think this tea is good enough," I finally took a small sip, correcting myself when I saw the warning look in his eyes to try again. 'I could also use some Excedrin and my suitcase. I'm supposed to change my dressings every three to four hours."

"I can do that." He was already in standing position, although I had half expected him to question the fact it had been far past the three to four hour mark; or even if he would question how bad my burn was. Instead, he said nothing and disappeared back down the hall. As he did, I sighed heavily wondering how the heck we were going to get through this.


	8. Stop Me From Falling

He returned a few minutes later, my suitcase dragging behind him as he walked back into the bedroom. I tried to read the expression on his face, but I found it hard to concentrate with the level of pain I was in. "Excedrin." Placing it in my hand, I took a small sip of the tea and swallowed before placing it back on the nightstand.

"Thank you." My response back was quiet, mostly because I didn't know what to do or say next. It was sort of out of the norm for me to be in this frame of mind, I knew it was. It was odd for me to keep all my thoughts to myself, but it was like those thoughts were trapped inside with no cooperation of coming out; even to Henry, the man I fell in love with twenty-four years ago.

"Tell me what I need to do." He offered, one hand resting on the suitcase as he sat back down on the bed next to me. I hesitated at his offer, my body almost stiffened at his response as his eyes met mine. Why? This had been the exact moment I had been dreading from the moment I had stepped onto the airplane. I would always need him, no matter what. It was always him I turned to. Now all I wanted to do was run so he didn't have to see the result of what had happened.

"I'm not dressed. Maybe we could wait to do this." Peering out the door, it was clear I wasn't only afraid of our children walking in. I was afraid he wouldn't like what he saw when I pulled my robe away from my body. I had yet to look in the mirror, myself. I had no desire to look, so why should he?

Before I could protest any further, he got up to lock the door. Either he was going to stand his ground or let it go. This time he was choosing the first option. I wasn't going to get away with it, which made me feel like running while his back was turned and locking the bathroom door so there was a wall between us.

"I know you're scared." What was that about Henry reading me like a book? He was so good at knowing what I needed, even when I didn't. "But I want to let you know I'm not going anywhere. Even if you don't believe it, you did something incredible. I will never stop being amazed at all the things you do, and I will never stop being on your side."

I had? It sure didn't feel like I had done something amazing when you thought of the people who wouldn't be going home to their families. There were supposed to be no casualties. Everyone was supposed to make it out unscathed and walk out of there alive.

"I'm glad you're on my side." I finally spoke with a grateful smile, although I felt like it fell short. I couldn't get past I was the one to blame for everything. Usually, his words made me feel better, but they weren't reaching me. "I just don't know if I'm ready for you to see my battle scars." His expression held no judgment, just love as he squeezed my hand gently.

"What do you need?" His gaze fell back to the suitcase sitting beside him. His voice had softened significantly, less eager than before as if he were trying to be patient with me not needing his help.

"There should be a plastic bag sitting in my suitcase." I relented slightly as he leaned down to unzip my bag. Knowing I couldn't just carry a bag full of supplies in my hand onto the airplane, I had stuffed it in there before taking my seat.

"This?" He gestured to the bag he was holding up. As he did, I began to rethink if I could really do this myself. As much as I didn't want him to see, I could hardly move. He cautiously waited for more explanation, although it took me a few minutes to realize it as I snapped from my thoughts.

"Yeah." I took the bag into hand and placed it in my lap, but made no move to open it. I was still having second thoughts about him helping me. I couldn't get to the point of saying was I was thinking, while I could see the wheels turning in Henry's mind if he should stay or go. "Please, stay." His eyes flickered up to mine as if he were asking me if I was sure. I mustered a small nod, although I was growing frustrated with not being able to make a decision.

"Elizabeth." He motioned to gain my attention by scooting closer to me when I still didn't make a move. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes as he tried to get me to look at him. "We don't have to do this right now. We don't have to do this if you're not ready." Leaning forward, I dropped my shoulders in relief. He was giving me a way out and I was considering taking it like it was my only option. I knew it wasn't the only one though and it scared me death even vocalizing it. "How about some dinner first?"

"What did you have in mind?" My stomach decided to growl at that exact moment, although I still didn't have much of an appetite. I wasn't feeling so much like throwing up anymore as the Excedrin began to work its magic and cease my pain. However, I was still feeling a lack of wanting anything but sleep at this point.

"I made that potato soup you like." He stated hopefully that I would take the bait. "The one with the chunky potatoes and bacon. Oh, and extra onions for flavor. Lots and lots of onions."

"Okay. I get the picture." My stomach rumbled again as I lightly rested my hand my abdomen in an effort to quiet it. My lack of hunger during the last couple of days had famished me after all. Although I debated if I would be able to keep my eyes open while he went to heat it up. "I would love a bowl."


	9. Hold On Tight

"What did you think?" Henry questioned as I scraped my spoon against the bowl. I thought I saw his eyes gleaming with delight at the fact I had eaten something. I wished I could share in his delight. My stomach felt fuller but I still felt waves of nausea almost taking me over the edge.

"Even better than I remember. Thank you." Although I loved being able to travel and try new foods, Henry's cooking would always have a hold of my heart. After spending most of my days at Houghton Hall Boarding School, it was an amazing step forward to better days. "About earlier."

"What about it?" He paused as he took the empty bowl from my hand as he turned back around. I reached over to grab my tea that had cooled off significantly and cupped my hands over the mug.

"Be honest. Did I mess things up with Alli by not being here on her birthday?"

"No." He answered firmly, taking a few steps back towards the bed. "She knows you have a job other than being her mother, and sometimes that means not being there when you have to travel out of the country. All three of our kids know and are resilient to the fact you're kicking butt and taking names."

"Maybe you're right." Pulling the mug to my lips, I lingered as if I were going to take a sip before placing it back in my lap. "Still can't help feeling like I missed an important milestone in her life."

"I'm sorry. I know you wanted to be here." He offered me an apologetic smile. "If it's any consolation, Alli refused to open any of her gifts until you were home safely."

"You mean to tell me our daughter has waited two days to open her presents?" I asked disbelief as I threw back the covers and slowly stretched my arms out in front of me.

"Her words, not mine."

"She still home?"

"Last time I checked, she was downstairs watching a movie with Stevie and Jason. They're pretty into it too."

"Please tell me our children are not watching some horror flick." I groaned as I threw my feet over the bed and tested the waters of sitting up. I had a spell of dizziness but it passed and I was able to use the bed to stand upright.

"I think it's actually more of a romantic comedy." He corrected, watching me carefully with what I was doing. "You're thinking of going downstairs, aren't you?"

"Depends on who chose the movie. The presents still in here?" I answered his question indirectly as I made my way to the closet and slid back a piece of the panel where we put our extra storage and birthday presents. I reached into a rather big box labeled Christmas decorations sitting underneath white shelving and pulled out a four silver and gold dotted presents we had been holding onto.

"My bet would be Ali. Stevie has been making sure she's been had a full weekend of fun to keep her mind off things"

"What about Jason?" Sliding out of the darkened storage area, I slid the panel back into place and turned off the closet light. Although I had my thoughts on why he was watching a chick flick with his sisters, I wanted to hear what Henry thought.

"That one I'm not really sure about. I would guess it's because he wants first dibs to play his video games after the movie."

"Now that one sounds more like our son." Lightly tossing the presents on the bed, I ruffled through my drawer and pulled out some underwear, bra, and my comfortable red plaid pajamas before slipping into the bathroom. Even though I wasn't feeling much, it still took longer than I wanted to change, but I made it through and hung my robe up on the hook for later.

Henry was still standing there when I returned back to the bedroom. I scooped up the presents and he offered his arm so I could walk with him. When we got to the stairs, he gladly took them so I could hold onto the railing and he disappeared into the kitchen to put my bowl in the sink. Oh, how I loved him.

When I was two steps down, he returned back to the living room and grabbed the remote off the coffee table to pause the movie, which seemed to snap them out of their eyes being glued to the television screen.

"Come on, that was the best part!" Jason complained, gesturing wildly to the screen.

"Your mother and I have something to address about a certain sixteen year old's birthday, and then you can get back to your movie." His eyes met mine, then flickered over to Ali who raised her head up from where it had been resting on Stevie's shoulder. At the mention of my presence, she was the first to turn around as I stepped down from my place on the stairs.

Handing me the present we had discussed me giving her specifically before I left for Iran, I sat down in the chair across from her. "Happy birthday, Noodle." I tried to keep my emotions in check as Henry sat on the armchair next to me with the other presents. Here was our spontaneous, creative and responsible teenager growing up right before our eyes.

Tucking her legs underneath her body, she eagerly took the present into hand; her fingers ripping carefully underneath the wrapping paper. "I've always loved this wrapping paper," I swear she didn't rip it once as she placed it carefully next to her. I had always cherished how our parents had done the same thing for Will and I growing up. Each birthday and Christmas felt more magical than the rest, even when we were teenagers; so I made the decision to pass that on to my own children.

"I hope you like it." I watched her eyes light up as she pulled open the small jewelry box and ran her fingers over a gold plated necklace with her name hanging from a matching gold chain.

"Alli." She read the name softly, her index finger stopping on the second 'i' on the necklace."This is your handwriting." In addition to that tradition, Henry and I had always tried to give our kids meaningful gifts, such as something they could remember us by, not just something they wanted. "I love it. Thank you!"


	10. Nightmares Are Dreams

"I think you just made her night giving her that necklace," Henry remarked happily, closing the door behind us for the night. I disappeared into the bathroom to brush my teeth and felt the familiar tug of just how exhausted I was by the feeling of walking in slow motion.

"I'm pretty sure the small diamond sitting over the 'I' sweetened the deal." I cracked a grin in between brushing and spit out the toothpaste into the sink before rinsing. Like most years, I went back and forth on what to get her. At one point, I considered just doing the gold writing but decided to have the jeweler put the diamond. I figured she only turned sixteen once, and she had proved over and over she was responsible.

"Yeah, maybe." Henry maneuvered around me, now dressed in a grey t-shirt and boxer shorts as he reached around me for his own toothbrush. I was slightly envious he could change that quickly. I would have killed to change in a flash instead of feeling like a slow moving turtle. " I know she loved the new cell phone we got her, but did you see she only picked it up one time? I think Jason was more interested in it than she was."

"I noticed that too." Strolling back into the bedroom, I rounded the bed to my side and pulled the covers over my body as I tried to settle into a comfortable position. "Do you ever wonder if it was a little too much for her knowing where I go?"

"It's clear she's in shock about the whole thing." Flipping the lamp switch on his side, the room brightened and then dimmed as he turned off the bedroom light. "From experience, I know it's not exactly the easiest to wrap your head around knowing where you're going. Maybe she just needs to know you're going to be okay when you do."

"Maybe." I agreed mostly with what he was saying. It couldn't be easy knowing wherever I was could easily make the news in an instant. But when you were a teenager, everything seemed a lot worse than it was especially when your friends were on every aspect of social media. "I'll try talking to her tomorrow. Right now I just want to see if I can get a little more shuteye before I had to wake up and greet the day."

"Okay." He nodded, picking the book off the nightstand and pulling the covers around his body. " I think I'm going to read a little before I call it a night." Leaning over, he pressed a long kiss to my lips. It had been tradition ever since we were married to always kiss before going to sleep at night. There were the exceptions when we were both irritated with the other we failed to share the love. That and when one of us was out of town.

The room fell silent as Henry cracked his book open and I stared at the ceiling while letting my thoughts wander. I tried to convince myself Alli was dealing with getting over the shock of the places I went instead of something else, like dealing with mean kids or human emotions. Deep inside, I got an unsettling thought that wasn't it at all.

Did Stevie know what was going on with her? Even though I've heard sisters could be a real pain in your side, sometimes you told them things you didn't tell your parents. So when I found out I was having two girls in a row, I always wished them to be best friends, and to tell each other things when they couldn't tell us.

I wasn't sure when I had fallen asleep, but I soon woke up to the soft snores of Henry sleeping beside me. It took me a minute to realize why I was awake just after midnight. I had been having awful dreams about Munsey taunting me with what he did in Iran.

Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, the screen illuminated up the room a little. I realized I hadn't checked it much since returning home. I had texts from Nadine and Blake checking up on me, and also reminders for funerals for Fred and a couple of other details who had recently lost their lives.

I felt another headache coming along as I read another text about their bodies being brought back to the states this morning. A funeral had been planned for Fred tonight; the other two were planned for the next day after. I gave one long sigh as I settled back into the darkness.

I was expected to come to these things and sometimes I wondered if it did the situation any good being there. Sure, they knew the risks and came anyway. However, I was alive and they weren't. How could I not be blamed for that?

Trying to settle back into a comfortable position, it was obvious I wasn't going back to sleep any time soon. After realizing Henry was dead asleep after several minutes of struggling to get up, I shuffled down the hall.

I considered peeking in on the kids—especially after our conversation earlier about Alli. We had always made it abundantly clear the kids could always come to us if there was something wrong. Not that it happened super often, but we always tried to make ourselves available no matter what job we were at. I just wished they would come directly to us when something was up. I would have killed to tell my mom what was on my mind just one more time.

Flipping on the kitchen light, I grabbed a mug from the back of the cabinet and went about making myself some hot cocoa and grabbed some crackers from the side cabinet by the fridge. The fact I hadn't eaten much lately was catching up to me and now I was starving even though I still didn't feel like I had a huge appetite. Funny how almost nothing seemed appealing when you were hurting.

Scooting our a chair from the table, I sat down and embraced the silence. It was rare I had any time to myself, let alone in the middle of the night. It was odd but welcomed as I twisted a cracker between my fingers and took a bite. I munched on it for several seconds before throwing it back on the table. There was a reason you only ate them with soup or when sick, otherwise, they just tasted like cardboard.

Brushing off the crumbs, I went for a piece of toast instead. The sound of the toaster popping up echoed throughout the house as I placed it on a paper towel and walked back over to the table. Thankfully no one woke up the entire time I was downstairs. If they were getting better sleep than I was, I would take it.


	11. Secrets

"Morning." I stepped into the kitchen, dressed in a dark red dress shirt, black pants, and black pumps like it was just another day at the office. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I had a meeting at the White House to debrief the President about the debacle of Iran. He would most likely fill me in on everything that had happened here while I was away since I had hardly looked at my phone. Our meetings always ran long which was always fun on my end. Sigh. This was already going to be a long day. I knew it.

"Morning." Stevie greeted, sitting down at the table. She was already in a dark blue dress shirt and black slacks and her hair was up in a loose ponytail. A part of me wondered where that little girl had gone I chased through the fields.

"You were up early this morning." Henry drew my attention back as he gave me a quick peck on the lips before stirring the eggs cooking on the stove.

"I got hungry last night and figured the couch would do so I wouldn't have to trudge all the way back upstairs." I fibbed, casting a look around the kitchen. "Where is Alli?" I asked filling up a mug of coffee that I knew I probably wouldn't actually get time to drink.

"She hasn't come down yet. She mentioned something about having a big test she wanted to keep studying for."

"Hmm." I hummed, reading his silent but worried expression as he cast a look upstairs. Alli was always one to have her homework done and tests prepared for. I never had to worry about her not bringing homework home. She was my most organized and independent child. "I'll be taking off around four to make it to the funeral. I'll come home, change and pick up the kids so we can all go together." Nursing the cup in my hand, I faced the table so Stevie and Jason could hear me.

"I'll try to make it home before we have to go. However, chances are my day will be slam packed with meetings I may just have to meet you there." Sighing deeply, I tried my best to gear up for a rather busy day. It usually worked to take a couple of deep breaths but it wasn't working this time, so I buried myself in my coffee.

"Let me know and we'll adjust accordingly. It's not a big deal if we have meet there."

"Morning." Alli rushed into the kitchen, dressed in her school uniform. She looked slightly frazzled, which was a major difference from her usual demeanor.

"Morning," I responded, peering over the rim of my cup as I watched her swipe the cereal box from its place by Jason. "Hold up. Where's the fire?"

"Sorry. It's just I have this really big test this morning in Mr. Goran's class, and I want to get there early."

"History?" Henry pulled a plate from the cabinet and dumped the eggs on the plate. I knew most of the teachers, but sometimes even I had a hard time keeping track of who taught what from year to year.

"Yeah, history." Pouring a little less than half a bowl of cereal for herself, she dug in after she poured milk into it. "He mentioned this test would be a little more than half our grade this time, and there's a rumor going around the questions aren't easy."

"You'll do fine," Jason muttered, tipping his bowl up to his lips so he could drink the leftover milk in his bowl. "You're like one of the smartest in the family."

"Well, that hurts." Stevie feigned a scoff as she pushed her chair back from the table. "Glad to know what you really think of me.

"All I meant was she's smarter than most of us." Jason covered as he followed suit and place his bowl on top of hers in the sink.

"Okay. Go get ready for school." Henry directed Jason towards the staircase and both he and Stevie disappeared around the corner. "Like your brother said, I'm sure you'll do great."

"Thanks, Dad," Alli stated, not turning around. Instead, she continued to eat four more bites of cereal and got up from the table. "What?" Apparently, it was weird for us to be standing around the kitchen. On the other hand, I knew I needed to get going but I couldn't go without at least trying to talk to her before leaving the house.

"Want to tell me what's really going on right now?" She shrugged at me like she didn't know or didn't care to share her secrets and dumped out the contents of her cereal into the garbage disposal. "Dad told me Stevie mentioned where I really was."

"I kind of feel guilty we used the silly string to deflect Jason from knowing where you really were." Stacking her bowl on top of the others, she turned to look at me. "He ended up walking into the kitchen after Dad found out Stevie and I knew."

"The silly string is a good tradition. Although you know I love creaming your brother with silly string just as much as anyone else," I teased as I took in a deep breath to broach a deeper subject. "I just want to make sure you knowing where I am isn't going to cause you to stress or worry-"

"I will always worry about you, just like I know you worry about me." She sighed heavily as she walked the few feet to the island and slumped against it. "I have to admit it was pretty scary knowing where you were, but I think I'm okay with it now. The news reported you were there anyway, so at least we don't have to hide it from Jason anymore."

"No, you don't." Crossing my hands over her, she leaned into me as I placed a kiss on the side of her forehead and released her from my grasp. "But I thank you anyway for keeping my secret. He may not know it yet, but he's lucky to have a sister like you." It was true. Jason may be the only boy and had to deal with his share of barbies, nail polish and hair salons growing up. It was like his share of torture, I'm sure for not having a brother to do things with. However, he had grown up with two awesome sisters who always tried to shield him from worry. Sometimes I wondered if he knew really how lucky he was.


	12. Testing the Limit

My phone buzzed right on cue to let me know my ride to the White House was out front. "I have to go. I will see you both at the funeral tonight." Giving him a longer kiss than before, I pressed my lips against his as he placed his plate on the island. "I love you."

"Love you." Henry smiled as I picked my phone back off the counter before kissing Alli on the side of her head and turning to face her. I was trying harder to face my children instead of calling over my shoulder as I was leaving the house. Going through what I did, made me realize I needed to do better with what I had, which included Henry and our children.

"Love you, Noodle. Good luck on your test today."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Hey, call or text me and let me know how you did. I want to know all about this test-"

"I will."

"Okay." I wasn't completely satisfied with that response, but I needed to go before the president had a hay day. "I will see you all later."

"Bye, Mom!"

"Bye!" I ushered myself out the door, even though I desperately wanted to finish our conversation. I knew I had a duty as Secretary of State, and even though I wasn't really feeling like it, I needed to get back to my job just to feel like things were semi-normal again.

"Ma'am." The same agent who had driven me home from the airport was opening the passenger door for me. His smile was comforting as he tipped his chin in response to my presence and I couldn't help wondering if grandpa had sent a guardian angel just for me.

"Thank you." He tipped his chin in response to mine before walking around the car to get into the driver's seat. As we passed through many Washington D.C. neighborhoods, I thought about how many people depended on me. How it was a privilege to be Secretary of State, despite how emotionally pressuring it was. Yet, my stomach still knotted the closer we got to the White House.

I think somewhere in there, I was trying to physically remember what occurred that night at Javani's house. One minute we were laughing and enjoying each other's company, the next thing Javani and I were being blasted forward as we landed hard on the ground. Bullets were ripping through the room. I heard Madam Secretary from Frank and suddenly he was on top of me. I struggled with closing his eyes as they rolled up in his head. I knew he was dead. That he had risked his life for me. Holding up my hands from my lap, my hands physically shook like that night. The only difference was I was back home. I was safe. However, a part of me felt like I was back in Iran, and I couldn't grasp how safe I was.

"I'm sorry to intrude." The agent's voice rang through the confusion I was feeling at that very moment. Still, I was extremely grateful for the interruption pulling me from the screaming agony of my thoughts. "We're five minutes from the White House. The president is just finishing another meeting and will meet you in the Oval Office a little later than expected."

"That's fine. Thank you." Our eyes met in the rearview mirror as he turned his attention back to the road and we drove in silence the rest of the way. After parking in a secure location, my head began to pound in protest at the lack of sleep I had been getting lately.

Note to self: fit in a nap if humanly possible in between these meetings. Hey. it was worth a try, right? No point feeling like the walking dead when you're supposed to be level headed and calm.

Stepping out of the car slowly, I mustered a smile of appreciation as he held the door open for me. "Tell me something. What made you want to become an agent?"

"I've always had a love to protect and defend those who live in this country. My father did as well and so did his father." Walking the few feet to the building, he scanned his card through the reader and it clicked open."We know the risks, Madam Secretary. Just like you know the risks of your own, that doesn't stop us from doing our jobs."

The way he worded his response, was rather surprising. Henry could often read my mind. It was Blake's job to read what I needed. Nadine kind of did the same thing, but she often did what she could to keep the peace. I didn't expect my agent to know exactly what was on my mind, although I supposed it was news to everyone now since the national address was out there.

We made our way to the West Wing and parted ways. I made myself comfortable on the couch, checking my watch to find Alli should have taken her test by now and should be calling or texting something in response. I hoped it would be soon so I didn't have my mind on it. Don't get me wrong, I often had plenty to do while waiting. It's just Alli had been so worked up about it for one reason or another and it made me hope she would continue to do her best so her grade wouldn't suffer. Who was I kidding though? The reason I was having a hard time grasping was why she was so worked up about it.

A few seconds later, my phone buzzed and Alli's name popped up on the caller ID. "Hey, Noodle."

"Hey." There was a slight pause from her, followed by echoes of a slamming locker signalizing class was out of session. "You wanted to know how I did on my test."

"I do."

"Well, there were a few questions I couldn't remember but overall, I think I did well. Mr. Goran ended up breaking up the test into two parts since there were a hundred questions."

"Which means what exactly? You have another test to take in another couple days?"

"Yeah. But then at least we get to study a little more. I feel like most of the class was prepared but there were still a lot of people who weren't and could use the redemption on the second part."

"That's a relief." I blew out a sigh, relaxing against the couch. "When do you find out how you did?"

"Not sure. Mr. Goran mentioned he was going to grade as much of the first part as he could this week, but that he might not get around to it until after we take the second part of the test."

"So we're looking at results maybe next week?"

"Hopefully. Anyway, I should probably get to class. I think the bell is going to ring in just a minute."

"Okay." I relented just as I heard feet padding down the hall." I will see you later tonight."

"Alright. I have a quick meeting with one of my teachers after school, but then I will be home to change and go to the funeral."

"Okay. I may not be able to come right home. Did your father tell you he wanted you all to go together to the funeral?"

"He told me after you left the house, so that's what I'm planning on." The bell rang shrilly on the other end. "Oh, mom that was the bell so I've got to get to class, but we can talk about this more tonight."

"Sounds like a plan."

"I love you. I'll see you tonight."

"I love you too."


	13. Devastated

"Bess, we're sorry to keep you waiting." Conrad walked through the door just as I pocketed my phone. Russell followed through the next and closed it so our meeting was protected from prying ears."Russell and I were in a meeting with government to further quell sparks about what went on Iran."

"How did that go?"

"As well as we expected it to. People were surprised by what happened, and generally, they were worried about your safety.. How are you holding up?" Conrad sat down behind his desk, which often signaled he meant business. Russell sat on the couch across from me, listening to the conversation intently.

"Besides the burn and cut, I'm good. I'm hanging in there."

"Good."

"How's Lina?" I questioned about Munsey's wife of almost twenty-one years. I'm not sure why I had asked, but the words had slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. Up until this point, I had been pretty good friends with her, at least until I had gathered enough evidence to prove her husband was guilty of the crimes he had committed.

"Devastated," Conrad mentioned with a hint of sadness in his voice. No government job was without their faults, especially when you chose to betray your country and those you worked with. I had expressed this before, but it was usually the families who suffered for their actions.

"I can't imagine the hell she's going through right now." I felt the weight of those words twist at my stomach, knowing their daughter and son were around the same age as Alli and Jason. If the repercussions were bad for her, they were probably even worse for them. Kids were brutal and unforgiving these days when they had anything to tease about. "Where are we on finding Juliet?"

"At the moment?" Russell chimed in after staying relatively silent for most of the conversation. "In the wind. She's long gone from the location where the call was made." I sighed loudly, closing my eyes in defeat. I may have made it my mission to weed out the bad apples, but I never for a moment expected them to be my friends.

"Make no mistake, they could have done a lot more damage if you hadn't convinced me going to Iran was necessary." Conrad nodded gravely, leaning forward in his chair. "I also note those who lost their lives will never be lost on any of us. Which is why I want to hear it from your point of view on what happened that night."

"Right." I swallowed hard, gearing up for something I didn't feel like discussing. If I had the power to erase any torturous and not worth repeating moment, I would have done in it a second. "I walked into the Javani's home around seven in the evening. Zahed introduced me to his wife, ."

"Allow me to introduce my wife, Marajel." Zahed had proudly introduced his wife as she came around him to shake my hand. She was strikingly beautiful with her jet black hair and olive skin. I remember thinking how beautiful she was and how had he ever scored such a woman. Okay, so I knew how Zahed married her. Since I had known him, he had always been a gifted, smart and kind man to everyone around him. I had always referred to him in my mind as a loveable but bald teddy bear.

"We made small chat about some of her work as an architect, and then he introduced me to his boys, Abdol and Katan."

"Former CIA. She studies her enemies darling." Zahed had joked lightly when his wife had drawn surprise at the fact I knew what buildings were hers. I really hadn't been making it up, as the Zarand commercial tower really was my favorite there in Iran.

"Katan was speaking in Persian when he and Abdol came into the room. They asked if I came from the Great Satan, which I hadn't heard of before. Just when you think you've heard everything."

"But you went with it," Russell mentioned crossing his leg over the other with a small smile. "Did they know you could understand them?"

"No. They did not know I could understand them." Farsi-known as Persian to Americans-was one language I knew how to speak fluently. Although once upon a time I wasn't sure it would be necessary to learn so many languages, it really did come in handy at times. "Marajel did make them speak in English. I was more amused by the fact they had a sense of humor at such a young age."

"I imagine this is where things took a turn for the worst." Conrad's eyes darkened, his lips pressing together tightly in anticipation.

"Almost, yes." I sucked in a deep breath, although my chest tightened a little and my stomach tightened at the aspect of relaying the story. Up until now, I had been in denial that I would ever have to repeat what happened. "Marajel ushered the boys into the other room to finish their homework, while Zahed and I talked about everything from family to the coup. After we finished, I excused myself to call Alli because it was her birthday and Zahed went to call President Shiraz to fill him in about the coup."

"The big sixteen."

"Yeah" I huffed out, hardly believing I had a sixteen-year-old. On the other hand, I was glad for the change of subject. Conrad or Russell may not have caught on, but doing so gave me a moment to catch my breath again. "She's got her driver's permit and I have no doubt she's going to pass.

"You raised some pretty smart kids. I have no doubt she'll use caution on the road whenever she's behind the wheel." Conrad nodded thoughtfully, changing the subject once again and my stomach twisted in knots at the prospect of delving deeper into that night. "As for the coup in general, it was a senseless act what both Munsey and Juliet did, and those who died will not die in vain.

"Believe me, I won't let it."

"I know you won't. It's why I hired you." Conrad stood, pushing his chair back against the wall as we finished up our conversation. Honestly, I was more than relieved he wasn't pushing for more information, for we all could guess what happened next. However, if I wasn't telling it here, I was bound to be telling it somewhere else. "I have to admit, I did think it was a little crazy when you and Russell approached me about Marsh's death not being an accident. It would also have been even worse knowing we never did anything about it. You are both two people I can trust to do their job and figure out the rest."

"Absolutely." Russell nodded resolutely as he brushed a hair off his pant leg and stood up quickly from the couch.

"Then I think we can adjourn this meeting for a couple of days. At least until we can get a handle on what to do next."

I nodded numbly as we all walked towards the door. Even though I was relieved our meeting was over for now, I knew I couldn't hold in my emotions much longer and I needed to get to a place where I could collect my thoughts before moving on with the next part of my day.


	14. Evidence of Tears

It was easy to slip into the bathroom before anyone could question what I was doing. Thankfully every stall was empty as I made my way to the last one and locked the door behind me. I let out another long sigh as I leaned up against the white tile and sobbed as I put my hand against my mouth to keep the sound to a minimum.

The last few days had taken more of an emotional toll than ever. I didn't feel like facing my team, but that's where I was going to head next was to the office. I needed to make an appearance so Fred's funeral wouldn't be the first place everyone saw me for the first time since this mess had blown up. I also needed to grab the black dress and pumps I was going to wear out of my office closet.

I could go home, but that would mean dealing with Henry's concern, and I didn't need that right now. I would also like to grab a quick nap before something else needed my attention, but I had a feeling no matter where I was, no sleep would be achieved without some interruption.

Grabbing my phone out of my pocket, I sent a quick text to Nadine about the team meeting me in the conference room for a few minutes. She got right back to me and told me she would pass the message along. Thank goodness. I couldn't help feeling anxiety creeping up on me as I thought about facing them and then heading to Fred's funeral. Could this day just be over now?

Running my fingers underneath my eyes, I wiped away any evidence of tears. I never wanted to admit this job made me feel braver than I needed to be, but it did. I wasn't one to shy away from things when things got hard. Sometimes a little thought lingered and questioned how healthy it was for me to hold so many emotions when my whole world felt like it was falling apart.

Walking back into the stall, I wiped at my nose with a piece of toilet paper and threw it into the toilet before flushing. I wasn't sure why I was keeping appearances. Maybe because I wasn't one to usually linger in the bathroom for more than a few minutes. I had long past learned how to rush through things because I didn't want my young kids rushing around and peeking under stalls while other people were doing their business. When I was in the CIA, I knew I had a job to do and there was no wasting time. I felt the same way now being Secretary of State. I felt like there were people counting on to know I was doing okay, and I wouldn't achieve that if I was hiding in a bathroom.

Lathering my hands for several minutes, I rinsed them through the water and dried my hands on a brown paper towel. As I did, I looked in the mirror to brush up on my appearance and walked back to reality where people were answering phones and conversing on political matters around the world. They hardly seemed to notice as I rounded the corner towards the hall.

My agent was waiting for me a few feet from the corner and joined me down the hall. If he had noticed my slightly reddened eyes, he said nothing. Instead, he patiently walked alongside me as we made our way to the car that had now been parked to the right of the door. I thanked him meekly and hoped in, crossing the seat belt over my shoulder and clicking it into place as he got into the driver's seat.

"Where to?"

"My office, please." Another car ride. I wanted to scream at him to take me home but I knew that wasn't an option right now. Also, my stomach was begging me to eat something so I could think straight again. I knew I was far past running on empty after skipping breakfast this morning, however, it was close to the funeral so I could at least hold off until we got back to Fred's house and eat something when I got there.

"Yes, ma'am." He looked through the mirror, then started the engine up as we idled in the parking lot. "You look like you could use this." He handed me a water bottle from the cooler sitting on the passenger side. "There's snacks on the side if you need a quick pick me up."

"Wow. You've really thought of it all." I stated, doubting there wasn't anything there that would settle with my stomach, However, as I pulled out the bag I had shoved into my purse to pull an Excedrin out of the bottle, I figured I could at least try to eat something so I didn't make myself sicker. As I went through the options, I finally settled on a small granola bar and downed the pill afterward.

I knew it would kick in about the time we reached the office, which is what I would need in order to put on a straight face for the team. As for my energy level, it was waning. The recent emotional downfall I had experienced was catching up and I did my best to muster the strength to get through the rest of the day. So I focused on gazing out the window for the remainder of the ride over.

As I did, I had an interesting thought to ask the agent his name. I felt a slight disconnect, however knowing I had gotten to know Fred and it had not saved him. Instead, he had traded his life for mine. I slumped slightly in my seat at the thought. It was disheartening knowing in a matter of hours his body would be buried and I would never see him again.

That last thought was like a donkey kick to the stomach. When I had kids, I always relished in the fact that one day they would get married and have their own kids. I would be called grandma and I would spoil them like crazy. I had no doubt Fred would have done the same thing being a grandpa if he had been given the chance.


	15. Jet Lag

Doing my best to keep my composure, I stepped out of the car for what felt like the hundredth time today. It had been a long morning, which also meant I wanted nothing but a drink, a bath and to sleep for days. My body ached and reminded me I had only gotten a decent amount of sleep since returning to civilization. That and my grief had stuck me in this fog where it took all my focus to do my job or anything for that matter.

The agent closed the door behind me, snapping me out of my thoughts again as he followed into the building. Was I ready to face my team? No! I was far from ready to stand in front of them. Regardless, my feet carried me the way they had always done since I had been sworn in as Secretary of State.

I absently called down the elevator, my hands shaking ever so slightly as the button lit up. When the metal doors parted open a few minutes later, my breath hitched in the back of my throat as I stepped into the small box and hesitated to push that button that would carry me to the seventh floor.

Luckily for me, my agent pushed it a few seconds later and the feeling of gravity pulling us up made my stomach knot tightly. My chest tightened at the prospect of moving through the wave of desks situated just outside my office.

Frankly, I was having a hard time knowing my trip had been broadcast to the world. Because I was there, missing pieces of news were hard to fill in when you didn't know how to talk about it. As a human being, I wanted to tell anyone who even asked that it was none of their business. In my position as Secretary of State, I knew I needed to reassure people everything was going to be okay because of what happened.

The expression between a rock and a hard place was beginning to hold new meaning when it came to the situation at hand. I felt myself panicking knowing it was the right thing to talk to my team, even if it meant my heart practically beating out of my chest and having some emotional breakdown in the process. However, I didn't realize as we drew closer to the seventh floor just being at the office would prove to be physically harder than I originally thought it would be.

Regardless of how I was feeling, the metal doors ground open like they always did, and I forced myself to suck in a deep breath as I stepped out of the elevator. As I made my way down the row of desks, the room quieted slightly at my appearance at the office. Blake raised his eyes to mine as he sat behind his desk; the phone cradled between his cheek and shoulder. As I got nearer, he whispered some unintelligible words into the phone before hanging up and standing to follow me as I made my way to my office.

I turned the corner, throwing open the wooden door and made my way to the closet. It wasn't hard to locate the black dress I specifically kept for these kinds of occasions. It was resting on a hanger near the front of all the other clothes that had slowly made their way into my office.

As I was pulling the dress off the rod, Blake knocked and poked his head into the room. I guess he decided not to follow me straight in, which kind of made me grateful to have a minute to myself. I was beginning to realize I hadn't been getting a lot of it lately.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. I thought you'd like to know the team has gathered in the conference room."

"Thanks, Blake," I stated in appreciation before replacing the dress back on the rod. "I'll be there in a few minutes." He nodded, although I could tell without looking at him directly that he wanted to say more. Instead, he motioned without another word and excused himself from the room.

I might never tell him this but Blake was another breath of fresh air I didn't know I needed when I was put in as Secretary of State. He was funny, smart, knew when to talk, and always kept my schedule impeccable. From the minute he sat down in my class at the University of Virginia, I knew he was different than any one of those students who sat next to him. He was attentive to every word I taught and turned in every assignment, test, and essay and passed with flying colors. Let's just say, he quickly became my favorite student that year, which only happened once in a blue moon as a teacher and professor.

I stood there for a moment reminiscing on how it seemed not so long ago I was writing on a chalkboard, teaching at least eighty-five students per semester from nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. Now I worked on the seventh floor of the Harry S. Truman building, carrying out foreign policies for the President of the United States. I was about to address one of those policies with my team to quell any concerns of what happened. I knew they were probably briefed to some degree, but I wanted them to hear it from me as well.

Knowing I couldn't hide in here forever, I knew it was time to do what I came to do in the first place. So I took in a deep breath, releasing it as I walked towards the conference room.. It helped release some of that nervous energy as I felt the eyes of many on me as I walked down the hall.

When I arrived, I lingered at opening that door where my team stood waiting. Why the heck was I hesitating? Besides Blake, this was the first time I had seen or really talked to my team since flying back to the states. At some point in the last couple of days, I had received texts from every single one of them. It was think everyone behind that door had expressed some form of concern on my behalf.

Maybe that was why I had come here today; because even though they had expressed that concern, I had only texted back a couple of times. My energy level had been nonexistent since returning and I wanted them to know everything was going to be okay.


	16. Blink

By the time I reached for the door, I felt my heart nearly pounding out of my chest. What made it nerve-wracking was honestly strange to me. On one hand, I was facing the same team I'd had since day one. On the other hand, I was their boss and responsible for their well-being.

_Here goes nothing…_

Whatever conversations they were having with one another paused as I entered the room. All the attention went in my direction and my mind went blank for several seconds. I was panicking about what to say to them. I mean, what words could relay their boss didn't get blown up in Iran? However, there were casualties. Lots of horrible casualties where people wouldn't be coming back to their families as I did.

"I know it's been a long couple of days," I took in a deep breath, directing myself to the window to look out at the beautiful scenery of Washington D.C. "So I'm going to try and make this quick. What happened in Iran, I don't have to explain to you was disastrous." I could see them all nodding from the corner of my eye, although I didn't really care if they were agreeing with me. I just wanted them to know where I was coming from. "Good people lost their lives this week." Some may think I was just pausing for effect as I stared out the seventh-floor window of the conference room when really I was peering into the reflection of a broken soul who had seen too much.

You see, I had lost so many people who meant a great deal to me over the years. Each time they passed like sailing ships, it hurt to a new varied degree. The hardest loss that stood out to me even to this day was still my parents. Even after everything I had witnessed, all the emotions of their death still floated back to me and hit me like a ton of bricks whenever something hard occurred in my life.

"I know you all have questions, and I'm sure there will be a time and place to ask them." Pulling my gaze from my reflection, I let the curtain fall back against the window. "For now, I ask you to put them aside and focus on finding those responsible so families have justice for the loved one they've lost. Am I clear?"

"Yes, ma'am." Jay chimed in, along with Blake, Daisy, and Matt. Nadine stayed quiet, her dark brows wrinkled in concern as she sat next to Jay. I could tell she was observing closely, but I continued on with the conversation.

"One more thing before you get back to work." I tried my hardest to clear the emotion out of my throat from addressing the team. "I want to let you know your concern has not gone unnoticed, whether you've called or texted in the last few days-"

"Ma'am?"

"I'm good, Nadine. Jet lag is still remarkably here." I reassured her, holding up my hand then putting it back by my side. I focused on taking a few slow deep breaths, which seemed to help restore some of my balance and focus. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I decided the next best thing was, "You're all excused. I'll see you all at the funeral." They all pushed the table and began to disperse from the room. "Jay, how's Abby?"

"She's good. Just kind of hanging around at home trying to get things ready for the baby." He held his notebook tightly in his hands as we walked out of the room.

"And what about you?" I noted his nervousness being a first-time dad. I was the same way when I was pregnant with Stevie. I could lead a team, but as a mom, I was convinced for several months I was going to drop her if I held her wrong.

"I'm hanging in there. We've got the nursery all set up and I think we're finally ready for her to meet the world."

"Well, I'm sure she's going to be well loved when she does." I cracked a smile as we walked down the hall. Oh, it felt so good to smile again, even for a minute. "In all honesty though, I don't think anyone is completely ready for a baby. They change your world and show you more love than you ever could imagine."

"I'm sure they do." He sucked in a deep breath and I could tell he was trying to keep calm about his pending fatherhood, but the fear was still creeping in.

"Can I give you a word of advice?"

"Sure."

"Enjoy the newborn stage while it lasts. You may be more than sleep deprived after she arrives, but it also doesn't last forever."

"I'll take that into consideration." Jay acknowledged as he turned on his heels, then spun back to face me. "What exactly is it like raising a daughter?"

"Having a daughter-or a child for that matter-can be the most rewarding thing you will ever do. A girl may come with just enough drama and sweetness to make you want to pull your hair out, but you can also form a bond with them like no other."

"Great. I'll be bringing her by then if she ever makes me want to pull my hair out." Jay teased, a grin on his face as he turned to look towards his office. I was appreciative that he made it seem so normal and like disaster didn't just strike every part of my life.

"Bring her on by. I'm sure Henry would love it." I laughed, actually laughed imagining Henry trying to hold a baby. He had been an amazing and involved dad and I was pretty sure he had been calm enough for the two of us when Stevie was born. On the other hand, I don't think he had held a baby since his last nephew had arrived.

"Careful. I may take you up on that offer." Jay pointed, shaking his head and disappearing down the hall.


	17. True Colors

Retreating back to my office, my smile automatically faded as I closed the door behind me. Any time I was alone I felt like was the only time I could show my true colors. It was better my team and the world saw me as a continuing force instead of a person who broke down every minute because of tragedy. That's why I was fighting so hard for the normal I wanted, even if that meant faking it until it was true.

Grabbing the dress from off the hanger, I stepped into the bathroom for some privacy. I noted it took less time to unbutton my shirt than it did to put on the dress. By the time I had zipped it up, I felt exhausted from fighting to move muscles that had been jarred by the blast.

It was better that way when I could force myself to keep going instead of allowing myself to break down. That's why I had come here. I had addressed my team. I was reaching into my closet to grab my black dress to put on and I was going to put it on no matter how painful or hard it was. I would join my family and coworkers at Fred's funeral and console his wife and kids as they grieved.

Stepping in the bathroom, I locked it for privacy as I changed from my usual dress standards. I had never been big on dresses, yet for special occasions, I still put one on. I noticed it took a lot less time to unbutton my shirt than to put on the actual dress. However, by the time I had zipped up the dress, I looked pale and sweaty which didn't seem like a good thing since making the first appearance since returning home.

So I splashed my face with a little water, put on a little makeup to touch up what I had put on this morning. I curled a few strands that had gone straight while rushing through meetings and hopping into cars. I grabbed a black peacoat from my the back of my closet and slowly pulled it on. When I looked in the mirror again, I looked more like myself and felt more like I could face the world again.

When I arrived at the church, Henry, Stevie, Alli, and Jason were already seated in the second pew. It had taken a little while to get through the line. It was hard to swallow my fear as the line crept closer to Fred's casket. It took everything in my power to keep my mind from flashing back to the moment I witnessed his death. Fred's voice had been full of alarm as he yelled over the gunfire, then rushed forward and landed on top of me. It took several seconds to register his body falling limp. When I gained the strength to push him off me, his eyes were rolled up in his head which told me had been killed instantly. My heart sunk so deeply. He had been the best bodyguard. From the moment we had been placed with us, he had made me and my family feel welcomed as we adjusted to our new surroundings.

"Hey, you made it." Henry greeted me as I stood there outside the pew. I hardly remembered walking over there after talking to Fred's family. I guess I was so caught up in my thoughts after all. I tried my hardest to break free from how the flashbacks had made me feel, but I could tell it wasn't going anywhere that quickly.

"Sorry. I know I'm late. We hit some unexpected traffic on the way back from my last meeting." My excuse sounded just as lame as it was to my ears, but it just came out that way. He seemed to take it as he placed a kiss on my lips and lightly touched his hand to the small of my back while ushering me into the pew.

"Should I even ask how your meeting went?" Henry quietly questioned as he sat down beside me on the row. I wanted to tell him everything but I knew this wasn't the place to do so. However, even though I wanted to, I still felt blocked in my thoughts about well, everything.

"I would like to say productive, but this day isn't over yet." I leaned over to him just as the remaining people paying their respects sat down and the pastor walked up to the podium to begin the funeral."Frankly, this whole situation is a mess."

"As long as you know you don't have to fix it alone," Henry stated as the room quieted even further. The pastor put his papers on his podium and walked away to talk to a member of the choir, which allowed me to steal a glance at the children.

Jason was subtly looking around at the crowd of people that had gathered for the funeral. His body language suggested he was slightly uncomfortable sitting there. Stevie looked saddened and in her own thoughts while her hand was protectively curled around her sister. Alli a little harder to read as she leaned her head on her Stevie's shoulder.

"Hello. My name is Pastor Henry Jacobs. I was asked by the family to conduct the funeral today for Fred Cole. Now as many of you know, I've been the pastor here for the past fifteen years and had the pleasure of meeting Fred and his family when I first arrived in Washington D.C." He paused for a moment, grasping the sides of the podium. "Since I was new in town at the time, Fred personally took the time to show me around the city, which was a big help getting to know a lot of you." He sighed deeply, emotion catching in the back of his throat as he peered across the crowd of people who had gathered in support."During that time I have witnessed his circle of people grow, and to personally see the love he had for each one of you. He never worded it this way but I recognized over the years that Fred had a lot of family and was always willing to sacrifice and protect those he loved."


	18. Break on Me

"May we always remember him by the loving and caring man he was." Pastor Henry continued as the fog lifted a little and I gazed over at Henry who pressed a smile in my direction. His hand held onto mine tightly and I mustered a small smile back as we both gazed over at our children. We were lucky for what he had every day. If anything, this tragedy reminded us that anything we had could be lost in an instant.

Why was it you had to lose something in order to see what you've always taken for granted all your life? I had lost my parents in an unspeakable accident and had no idea it was coming, kind of like with Fred. So when my children came along, I decided I would do everything I could to protect them from the world. Sure, they could drive you the wall at times. You even see a part of them in you when you least expect it. However, from the moment I held that sweet little baby in my arms, I promised I would never let her experience that deep level of hurt that I did when I lost my parents. When Alli and Jason came along, that promise only rooted and deepened inside of me.

Sure...you protected them. A voice taunted in almost a teasing manner as I sat there paralyzed in my seat. But at what cost? They almost lost you as you did with your own parents.

From that point on, I couldn't focus, except for the next person was stepping to the podium to share their thoughts and stories about Fred. I wanted to laugh at their lighthearted comments as they came, however, when I tried I found no humor in their words. When the crowd shed a tear, there were no more tears inside me.

Thankfully, I didn't have to endure feeling like a blank slate for long as the woman finished and stepped down from the podium. The choir then stood from their place and filled the church with rhythmic music for several minutes before it stopped and the funeral commenced.

Henry wrapped his arm around me, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead as we stood in respect to the pallbearers who were carrying the casket and the family who was following them out of the church. The room was completely silent, but gestures of love were offered to members of the family as they reached out to one another as they passed through the row.

It was touching to see what miracles tragedy brought forth. At the same time, they were messy and depressing knowing you were still living and they weren't.

"Look," Henry whispered in my ear as we stepped into the foyer. As we moved to the side, I glanced over at Jason, Stevie, and Alli walking close together. I know it was probably annoying for my children to get stuck behind an older couple walking slowly in front of them and leaning heavily against their canes, but if they hadn't, neither Henry or I would have been able to witness this beautiful moment between our children. "I want to say we raised them right."

"We sure did." On the other hand, they didn't seem to mind moving slowly, instead, they were focusing on holding each other closely. As a mom, this moment lifted my spirits and made me realize we had made the right decision to have a family. No matter what happened to us, our children always had each other to lean on when we couldn't be there for them.

"They're going to be okay, you know?" Henry read my mind as we watched the couple move slowly towards the door. "We raised strong kids. I married a strong person."

"I sure hope so." I agreed with him as the kids inched their way through the remaining crowd of people fighting to get outside. There was a slight chatter between everyone which made me think the kids couldn't hear our conversation anyway.

"Although it looks like Stevie and Alli have become remarkably close since Stevie told her, I'm beginning to think we're missing something here."

"Other than the fact that all three of our kids are teenagers, should explain the fact that pulling any information from them is like pulling teeth."

"That's actually not a bad theory." Henry finished just as the kids pushed through a group of people who had stopped a few feet from the door to converse with one another just as they were passing through. Talk about good timing.

"Okay. We may have gotten stuck behind that couple but they were seriously saying some pretty funny things to each other." Stevie laughed as she looked over at Jason and Alli who nodded in agreement.

"I was worried she was going to hit him with her cane at all the things he was saying." Jason looked towards the door with a smile as the couple were still making their way out of the church. "I hope I can be that cool when I'm that old."

"You wish." Alli rolled her eyes at him as she tried to ruffle his hair as she passed him to the door. "That's going to be you when you're married."

"Ha ha!" Jason stated dryly, holding the door open just as security met us outside the church.

"Mom?" Stevie cut in, hanging back as we rounded the corner towards the parking lot. The familiar tug of my limits was becoming apparent, and I knew it was time to change the padding covering my stitches since I had to wake up so early this morning in order to get everything done. It was probably long overdue doing since I had been a little preoccupied with the day. "I don't think I've said this yet, but I'm sorry about Fred."

"Come here." Wrapping my head around Stevie's waist, I pulled her closer to me. "What's going on in your life that I need to know about?"

"It's about the same as it's always been." Stevie shrugged, tensing her shoulders before letting her arms fall back to her side. "Work is going really well and I think I may even be getting along better with my coworkers."

"That's good, honey. I'm proud of you for sticking it out."

"Thanks." She absently stared ahead as Henry, Jason and Alli cut in front of an older model Toyota parked just behind the hearse carrying Fred. "Look, I've been meaning to ask you something, but I felt like there was never a right time." We came to a halt as she stopped in front of me. "Will you talk to Alli about where you were? I'm not talking about the quick conversation you had in the kitchen, but an actual conversation just the two of you."

"What do you know that I don't?"

"Not much." Stevie shrugged, not offering up much information. "I feel like Alli was like me when I first found out you traveling to dangerous places. But then one day you sat me down and you know what you told me? You told you no matter where I was in the world, you were helping the world to be a better place so we could have a better life."

"And those same words still apply today."

"Does Alli know that? What about Jason? He may play dumb, but he knows a lot more than he's letting on. Alli does too. I think she's just afraid to talk about it with you. She can see how hard it was on you when you came back that I don't think she wants to bring it up. We all have."

"I had no idea." I really didn't know that was how Alli felt, but the way she had been pulling away from me the last couple days was starting to make more sense now that Stevie had filled me in. "I'll talk to her tonight."


	19. Staying Afloat

My thoughts felt fleeting as Henry met us by the side of the car, flanked by the other agent who was nearby for our safety, although I was pretty sure nobody would try to target us at a funeral. It was hard enough to have a conversation right now, let alone having the world hear what you were talking about.

"Everything okay between you and Stevie?" Henry questioned in a low voice as he placed a hand on my lower back. At that moment, Stevie passed by us, shooting me a look as she sat between Alli and Jason in the backseat.

"Remind me to tell you later." I sighed as he helped me into my seat by the window. He followed, hopping in and closing the door just as I had buckled up. "Everyone buckled in the back seat?"

"Yep," Jason responded first as he leaned his head back so he could gaze out the window.

"We're all buckled back here," Stevie answered for her sister as well. It made me worry a little that Alli wasn't talking much, but after what Stevie had told me, she probably wasn't feeling the best. Still, I didn't make a big deal as we pulled in line for the funeral procession line and headed to the burial site.

Henry probably looked at me a total of five times, silently asking if I was okay. I didn't have an answer for him, so I told him what he wanted to hear as we stopped at another stop light. "I'm okay," I whispered almost inaudibly, not believing what I was saying.

I wasn't okay. I was far from okay as I could be right now. Even more so, I felt like my world was capsizing little by little like a sinking ship. I had been so busy lately, I couldn't even see my youngest daughter being beaten down by some invisible force.

"Hey," Henry whispered, grabbing my hand and holding it in his. "I love you. We're going to get through this." My anxiety seemed to melt slightly as he snaked his hand comfortably around me until I was laying my head on his shoulder.

Oh, how I wish everybody could have a Henry in their lives. He showed his love and devotion with more passion than I felt like I deserved sometimes. I had always been fiercely adamant about what I wanted, and he had been putting up with it from the day our hearts found one another.

In fact, the day that bomb had gone off, I thought of Henry as I was flying through the air. I thought of him standing in the kitchen, that silly side smile he wore when amused by the banter of the kids as we gathered to eat breakfast. Even though our time was limited in the morning, we found it was the time where we learned the most about our kids.

For Stevie, we often found out about things happening at work. Alli and Jason, we often learned about friends they were hanging out with, any events happening at school and tests and exams they might be worried about.

Of course, Henry and I had discussed extensively night after night what was best for our family to get to this point and it showed. It was one reason I believed I had seen his face at the moment I needed it the most. It was like he was telling me to hang on and come back to all this because it was what I loved.

As the car came to a full stop, I realized that despite everything going on, I wasn't alone anymore. My desire to hold my husband and kids again had come true. So why was it hard to come back to them?

"Thank you," I told him as I took his hand to get out of the car. To be honest, I hardly remembered stopping or hearing any indication we had arrived at the grave site. Every step felt heavy as we joined the crowd of people mourning the loss of Fred.

It was a horrible feeling knowing I was on the tail end of something so brutal as murder. I may not have been the one to commit it, but I was there. I could have gone to Iran by myself. I could have met Javani in a different, but more secure area beside his home to ensure his safety, as well as his family's.

"Jennifer and her family have expressed their deepest love for you coming to be with them today." Pastor Henry stated in the most respectful but quiet tone as he stood to the side of the casket."They ask you to hold all those good memories you have of Frank in your hearts. To remember the legacy he left, and to do good to all those around you." He paused as a crow flew overhead, perching in the oak tree to the left of us. Now as we conclude, let us dedicate this grave. At the end of this service, if you would like to say your goodbyes, I would ask you respectfully go to the casket and do so. Afterward, we will all meet at the Cole's home for the reception." He bowed his head, his hands pressed tightly together. "Our Father in Heaven, we dedicate this grave to you at this time. We recognize what a wonderful man Frank Cole was as a father, as a brother and a son. We know he is in good hands, Lord. We ask a special blessing to his family and friends as they mourn his loss. May we all be united at this time to grieve together as we stand here today. Amen."

"Amen." I felt myself utter quietly as my husband and children surrounded me. Henry put one hand around my waist to let me know he was there. Alli and Jason stood beside me, while Stevie stood behind him and put her hand on my shoulder. We all watched together as people walked up slowly, saying their goodbyes. Some lingered, with a trembling lip as they held back the tears.

When it was finally my turn, I felt myself holding back my own tears. Especially when my hand absently stretched out towards Jennifer's before turning towards Fred's casket. I mulled over what I was going to say as my fingers brushed over the smooth oak, as it was hard to believe or come to terms that he was really gone.

"Thank you for bringing me home to my family," I whispered in a low voice, placing my hand flat against the casket. "I promise what you did will never be forgotten."


	20. Heaven Knows

We had mostly taken the back route due to some heavy traffic after the funeral. By the time we had arrived, cars were lining the street and around the block. Some people were still trickling in, getting here just moments before us.

This house was one I had been to many times with my own family. Somehow, I had these fleeting thoughts about how we would surely be here several more times, sitting around the table while our children were off in the living room talking and having conversations of their own. That sent a twinge of guilt through me knowing this was probably the last time we would be here and instead of happy tears, we were mourning the loss of a good man whose life had been ended in the blink of an eye by those he was supposed to trust the most.

Henry wrapped his arm around me as we stepped out of the car, sending me that warm comfort as a slight breeze crossed our path. The kids shuffled out next, each one pulling or rubbing at their arms. Being the big sister that Stevie was, she pulled both of her siblings closer as we walked along the path of flowers leading up to the dark brick house.

My heart began to pound ever so slightly, my breath catching in the back of my throat as light flooded through the darkened foyer. I didn't feel prepared to face Jennifer and her family, knowing I could have done more for Fred. My feet stepped forward automatically knowing my family was right behind me.

"Look at Samantha in her clown suit," Alli stated softly as she nodded over to the middle picture on the foyer wall. Honestly, it was good to hear her voice again, even for a minute. Alli was probably one of the most talkative but sincere people you would meet, but lately, she looked about how I felt. I was beginning to understand what Stevie was trying to tell me about talking to Alli because there was something definitely weighing her down. "She was so cute at that age."

Touching the gold frame lightly with the tips of her fingers, she looked around until she spotted the young teenager sitting on the gray couch in the living room.

"I'm going to find Alexander." Stevie touched my shoulder lightly, then gestured for Jason to follow her. We both watched as they went their separate ways. Stevie found Fred's oldest boy leaning against the doorframe that led to another hall where Fred's office, the master bedroom, and bathroom were located. Jason found Mason, Frank's youngest sitting on the opposite couch from his sister. They shared a handshake, which caused the tension to break a little as they sat there silently together.

"Despite the fact that they drive us crazy, we have really good kids," Henry whispered as we took a few steps closer to the kitchen. Honestly, I could have stayed there forever just talking to him, but I knew my duty and even though I wanted to run away from it all, I couldn't.

"We do." I leaned into him slightly, feeling proud of our children because even though I knew each one of them were processing their own feelings and thoughts, they were still trying to be there for their friends when they needed it most. "Speaking of kids, Stevie thinks Alli is having a really hard time with me traveling places."

"That would kind of make sense, I guess. I don't think she had a lot of time to process everything before this all hit."

"Yeah. I don't think she did either." I took in a deep breath as we both stopped to face one another. "Except I think there's something else bothering her."

"Any ideas what it is? 've been wracking my mind but I just can't figure it out."

"For starters, I don't think it was ever about the test. We both know she could do almost anything with her eyes closed. She studies way harder than I ever did." I stated honestly as my back touched the wall and a tinge of pain rippled through my body. I resisted the urge to rub at it, knowing there wasn't much protection since I had yet to put anything on there to protect the stitches from being pulled out like violin strings. Also, it was a dead giveaway to Henry and everyone else in the room that I was still feeling the effects of the very thing that had killed Fred. "Since when has our daughter worried about school?"

"I don't think she ever has." Henry pinpointed, gazing in Alli's direction as she busily distracted Samantha with small talk. "Except that one time when she was in Kindergarten and worried what people were going to think of her. She wouldn't let go of your leg because she was scared and thought she would be better off going to work with you every day."

"Then she clinged onto your leg and we had to reassure her about a million times that one of us was going to pick her up after school. She could barely stop talking about all the things she did in class and the friends she made. You would have never known she almost had a meltdown that morning."

"So, what are we missing here?"

"I don't know, but I intend to talk to her tonight after we get home." We reached the corner that led into the kitchen as I peered around to see Jennifer standing behind the counter, talking to an older couple who were giving their condolences. "Right now, I should probably talk to Jennifer and make sure she's doing alright."

"Alright. I think I'm going to grab some food. Do you want me to grab you a plate?" I cast my eyes over to the food and my stomach grumbled in protest at how good everything looked. "Maybe a roll with turkey and some swiss cheese? And some vegetables?"

"Sure."

"Thanks." Although I felt like my stomach couldn't handle much, I knew it was a good distraction and for Henry to see that I was making an effort to keep my strength up. Heaven knows I needed it, especially when I got a chance to talk to Alli.


	21. Lost In Battle

We stayed long after the sun had gone down, helping clean up after everyone had left. After the house looked spotless, we all sprawled out on the couch in exhaustion. There was an uncertainty lingering in the air whether we would return to this house, to the people who had become more than just friends. Even though most of us here understood it would take time to work out all the fine details, Mason looked worried as he sat between Alli and Jason.

He was still young, which made this time even more confusing. The look of being lost in battle was one I was all too familiar with. It was possible he didn't understand people needed time to heal when it was all said and done, but maybe he didn't know that sometimes you also avoided the people who triggered your sadness.

"Thank you for all your help today." Jennifer sat down last on the end of the other couch. "I don't think we could have done it without you guys. You guys have truly been magnificent friends all the years we've known you."

"Likewise." Henry returned the sentiment, eyeing the children sitting quietly together. "Hopefully for many more years to come."

"I just wish we were here under better circumstances." I amended, feeling sleep wave over me as I tried my hardest to sit upright on the couch. "Please let us know if there is anything else we can do."

"I will." She promised, gazing over at her children before bringing her attention back to me.. "For now we're going to take it one day at a time, and by the looks of it, we should start by getting a good night's sleep."

"I can agree with that." Henry sat up on the couch, stretching his arms out in front of him before placing them back in his lap. "I know of two kids who have school tomorrow."

"And I have to go to work early." She pressed on Jason's back to move him off the couch when he didn't budge. "Jennifer's right, let's go."

"Yeah, rub that in a little more that you don't have to go to school anymore," Jason grumbled, standing up from his place on the couch.

"Just wait. You'll get your wish in a few years." Stevie retorted as she gave Alli a hand up. "Besides, adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Whatever you say." Jason could be so stubborn, which I knew he had gotten from both me and his father. I also knew he was in that developing stage of life, so hopefully, it would sink in one day to take life a little more seriously.

"You'll find out soon enough." Stevie wrapped an arm around his neck playfully, as only siblings could do. "Come on."

"Do they have to go home now?" Mason stepped in front of Jennifer, with a pout on his face. "I wanted them to stay a little while longer."

"I know you do, but it is time for them to go now." Jennifer placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's been a long day for everyone. It is time for all of us to try and get some rest."

"Okay." Mason bowed his head, but he still didn't seem satisfied with his mother's response.

"Perhaps we'll have to invite you guys over for dinner, one day soon." I tried, but he didn't immediately raise his gaze to mine. "Spaghetti, right?"

"Mhm."

"Then it's a deal. "Spaghetti night at my house." I gave him a small smile to let him know I was serious as he muttered _okay_ and walked off to say goodbye to the kids.

"Thank you, Elizabeth." She gathered me in a tight hug and I felt all my emotions racing at my at full speed and I flashed back to when Fred darted in front of me and gave his life for mine. What he had given up was who I was standing in front of today. It was starting to sink in even further that he gave up the same thing I would have; a significant other, a beautiful home and raising kids. I just got to continue experiencing it all.

All I could do was give her a teary smile as we all walked to the door. We said our goodbyes, promising to get together soon before hopping into the car. When we got home, the kids scattered upstairs with weary goodnights and disappeared upstairs to their rooms.

"How long do we wait before going up there ourselves?"

"It will take me about five minutes to get up the stairs, so about that long." Holding onto the railing, I pulled myself up to the bottom stair. It was going to take me long enough to get up there, so why not get a head start? "I was thinking I should really talk to her myself."

The walk was somewhat agonizing, but we made it upstairs in a matter of minutes. We passed Stevie's room and her light was already off, signaling she had already gone to bed. Jason was sitting on his bed with his headphones on, eyes closed. Alli's door was closed, but her light was still on.I rapped on the wood softly with my knuckle and waited a few seconds before she responded.

"Yeah, hang on a second." Came Alli's muffled response as we heard her walking around her room for a few minutes before she finally opened the door. At that point, Henry whispered to let me know how it went before slipping into our bedroom.

"Can I come in for a second? I want to talk to you about something." As soon as those words left my mouth, she swung the door open and made a beeline for her bed. I closed it behind me before crossing the room to sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

"What would you like to talk about?" Alli asked, pulling her pillow up so she could sit against it. She was already dressed in dark grey sweatpants and a white tank top and looked ready to fall asleep at any moment.

"The fact that this year hasn't been the easiest, should be an indicator."

"If you're wondering if I'm okay with your job, I am." Alli grabbed a small green pillow sitting beside her and played with the tassels in her hand. "It wasn't easy finding out you were going to dangerous places, but it's good knowing there are people like Fred who are protecting you."

"I'm glad to hear that once again, you're okay with my job."

"But you're not here to talk about that, are you?" I got the feeling that Alli was starting to understand there was more to why I was trying to have this talk with her. I wasn't sure I would be able to get through to her, but I would definitely try.

"No, honey, I'm not." I shifted on the bed so I was facing her more as I rested my hand on the comforter. "You see, something didn't sit right with me the other day when we were in the kitchen. It wasn't the fact that you came into the kitchen seemingly frazzled when you stated you had a test in history that was half your grade, or the fact that you didn't even eat half your cereal. What did concern me was the fact that you were even worried about it in the first place."

"Which makes you think I wasn't really worried about it at all."

"We call that deflection. So the people around us think we're okay when under the surface we're really not."

"Right." She nodded slowly, twisting the knob on her lamp so it clicked on. "Like you're doing with all of this?" I was taken slightly aback that she had noticed. Of course, why would I think she didn't? If there was anything I learned about having kids, was the fact that they picked up on a lot more than we thought they did. "Don't think I haven't noticed the times you come home completely exhausted or in pain because of what happened in Iran. You lost a friend and someone who worked for you, yet you don't really talk about any of it."

"I don't talk about it because I don't think a part of me is ready to talk about it." I stated, while staring absently at the picture of Alli and Stevie sitting on the other side of the lamp. It had been taken at Stevie's graduation, when it had truly been better times than they were now. "So this is what has been bugging you, or am I missing something else?"

"Kind of." Alli shrugged, now throwing the green pillow to the side of her. "But can we talk about it tomorrow? It really has been a long day and I want to be able to get up for school in the morning."

"Sure. We'll talk about it later." I stood up slowly, stretching my back as I retreated across the room. "Light on or off?"

"Off, please."

"Alright. Goodnight, Noodle."

"Goodnight."


End file.
